Greetings.
You find me rather battered today I’m afraid. My good lady wife is out scouring the malls of Milton Keynes for provender and bargains and Captain Mac has had to nip back to the late seventeen eighties to check on a couple of Dangerous Chimes details with the Mayor of Goldcaster, leaving me with only Mr Tibbs, purring happily, in charge of Macauley Towers.
But my dear friend Alan has forwarded to me a very intriguing French Vintners video email – Bon chance mon brave! Formidable as our froggy friends have it. An apparently excellent Tip. Thank you brother – you are fount of useful knowledge – generally. I have a few moments to spare as a break from tidying (as directed ) what I call in moments of megalomania the ‘Study’, so – let’s give it a go….
It appeared at first glimpse to be a brilliant, simple, fun way of removing a cork from a wine bottle without a corkscrew. Even though here at Mac towers we have corkscrews seemingly living in every other domestic orifice, being incurably curious I had to try it out as soon as possible.
So: got bottle of fancied glug juice – put it back. (Probably best not to test method on a Cava – don’t want any unnecessary complications do we? Good heavens no, the very thought…)
And now just to follow the instructions on the video:
Take off foil from top of now chosen bottle
Take off shoe
Put bottle base into shoe
Hold shoe tight and bang bottle against sitting room wall
Catch bottle as falls out of shoe
Pick up shoe
Secure bottle in shoe with plenty of gaffer tape fetched from bedroom where most useful tools are kept (don’t ask)…
Bang against wall again – bugger me, its working! – a couple of millimetres of cork now showing
Bang it again…
Tightly holding shoe-clad bottle with one hand, try to catch framed picture leaping off wall-(Van Gogh print of old man in chair, Pere Tanguy?, Emile Zola? Maurice Chevalier?…)
Briefly clutch edge of frame as picture falls…
Fingers slip on to picture cord; pull picture hooks, rawlpugs, plaster chunks, away from wall.
Step carefully away from impact damage – broken frame and glass on carpet. Pere Thingy no longer smiling (was he ever?)
Pick up largest bits of glass and put into waste paper basket
Pinch now cut finger tightly to stop bleeding – fetch elastoplast, dustpan, and brush.
Tidy up floor.
Don’t notice elastoplast falling off finger…
Hand resting on wall for support while picking up debris.
Hide picture and broken frame behind sofa for the moment – thank God wife out.
Bang ‘bottleshoe’ twice more against wall – cork nearly out of bottle now…
Realise plaster of wall much cracked, powder and debris also now on carpet, Also bloody hand print on wall and streaks of blood everywhere where picture hung…Looks like my very own scene of murder crime – will it bring back happy memories of our Police service when (if?) wife sees it? I doubt it.
Pull cork out of bottle with undamaged fingers.
Take long swig of wine. Take another, very, very long swig…
Look at clock – Jesus wept – is that the time?
Rush out to garden shed…
Rush back to get key…
Rush back to shed again…
Search shed for what needed – all at back of shed of course, behind broken lawnmower, rotting bulbs, bag of spilling compost, dead rat abandoned by Tibbs, old bucket full of God knows what, you name it, holiday souvenirs even, – put loads of gear out on lawn to get at what wanted…
Now raining. Realise only got one shoe on.
Back in house place polyfilla, scraper, wet rag, correcting fluid, kitchen towels, and Lucky Cornish Piskie found at bottom of bucket, near the damaged wall.
Tentatively touch wall – more damage – dust and bits of plaster fall on carpet.
Pick all repair things up again and brush newly fallen debris into dustpan.
Place newspaper on carpet where and as should have done in first place
Using limited resources desperately try to conceal damage –fail.
Brilliant brain wave – there is another, rather more ‘heavily foxed’, Van Gogh print, once one of the pair, lurking in the loft. Why not cover up crisis with best replacement? Ah, but what say when Management asks why Pere Thingy turned into Sunflower? Of course – PT old and miserable, sitting on old and miserable chair – each day I look more like him.
Can’t stand it any more – Sunflowers all bright and cheerful – God knows will need bright and cheerful soon…
Up into loft – nearly fall off ladder –(hard climbing with only one shoe on, wet shoe at that, no time to unwrap yards of gaffer tape, extract bottle from other shoe…
Up into loft – nearly fall off ladder –(hard climbing with only one shoe on, wet shoe at that, no time to unwrap yards of gaffer tape, extract bottle from other shoe…
Where the hell Van Gogh hiding? Earless genius easily got lost amongst Picassos, Warhols, Rembrandts, old Giles cartoons, Christmas decorations, complete set of
Charles Dickens (that must be worth a few bob – could come in handy if expelled from premises … Ah, there we are, come here you bugger, lurk no longer…
Prepare to re-launch Van G2 on to unsuspecting public.
Picture hooks twisted beyond redemption -bang nail into wall – sod the (expletive deleted) extra debris.
Hang new picture over scene of crime.
Finish bottle. Now half pissed.
Clear evidence away as best I can.
Collapse onto chair.
With air of demented calm, toy aimlessly with miles of gaffer gape, most of it now wrapped around Mr. Tibbs, now also on chair for afternoon heavy duty purr and cuddle.
Author of Dangerous Chimes, read more about Michael Macauley over here.