Jasper experiences strong witchcraft

Elisabeth entered the Lower Rumble School by the back door, rather breathless. ‘Sir Jasper is nearly here.’ she said. ‘He has got nothing so far and is not in the best of moods.’

‘Well done, child, well done.’ said Aunt Hetty, rubbing her hands together with pleasure. ‘I told you we would have some fun with this lot. Now Alfred should soon be collecting the bells and taking them up to the church to hang them. We need to get the pirates all together again back in Goldcaster so that we can give them a sound seeing to and have all that they have stolen returned. That cloak is just about useless now Elisabeth. You had better hide in the stationery cupboard. Mr Mayor – out the back with you I think.’

‘Are you sure you can manage on your own?’ said Mr Bagley.

‘I’ll pretend I didn’t hear that.’ sniffed Aunt Hetty. ‘Quick now, away with you both…’

Jasper reined in his horse beside the village green, and most of his men slumped down on the grass, grumbling.

‘God knows where the rest of the crew gave got to.’ he said. ‘This place appears totally deserted. Archibald, see if anyone’s in there will you?’ He gestured wearily towards the open School House door.

Archibald went into the building and promptly came out again, shaking his head. ‘Only an old dreary knickers with a face like a bag full of spanners.’

‘Are you referring to the person now standing behind you?’ sighed Jasper, for Aunt Hetty was now in the entrance, looking not best pleased.

‘I apologise madam. I do sometimes despair. This man has the social skills of a marrow.’

‘Your words are too kind, your highness.’ said Aunt Hetty grimly. ‘How good of you to apologise to a battered old bat like me. She turned to Archibald. ‘As for you moishe, you ought to realise that rudeness can bring retribution – probably quite soon.’

‘Don’t you threaten me, you horrible old bag.’

‘No good you trying to sweet talk me, sunshine. You’re for it, sooner rather than later.’

‘Enough, enough!’ beseeched Jasper. ‘Please don’t let us quarrel dear lady. Perhaps you can help me? I was hoping to meet with some of my colleagues in this hamlet. It appears to be deserted. Is there anyone else about?’

‘No, my fine gentleman. Only me toad, and me moke, and me.’ She pointed to Arnold, who was now sitting in the sun on the School House doorstep, and to Horace who was tethered to a rail.

Tantamount, who was perched on Jasper’s shoulder, looked down at Arnold with interest.

‘ “What a wonderful bird the frog are, she hops from twig to twig. And when she hops she sits almost, and when she sits, she sits upon what she ain’t got hardly.” ‘

‘Not now, Tantamount.’ said Jasper, but Tantamount was bored and felt it was time he took a larger part in the proceedings of the so far fruitless day. He looked around, hoping to see one of his new seagull acquaintances.

‘ “Spring is sprung, the grass is griz. I wonder where the birdies is? The birdies is upon the wing, but that’s absurd because the wing is on the bird.” Ah, here they are – “Gathering swallows twitter in the sky.” ‘

Well, perhaps not swallows, but Malin and Rockall swooped down, circled around the village green, and then perched on the lintel of the School House entrance. They hunched themselves down and stared fixedly at Jasper.

‘Shoo!’ he said. ‘Be off!’ He turned to Aunt Hetty. ‘Everywhere I go today I’m beset with the basilisk stares of deranged seagulls.’

‘Dear me.’ she said. ‘How very inconvenient. You look rather stressed if I may say so. Can I offer you and your – er – employees, some refreshment?’

‘Well that is most kind, but I don’t think we have the time. I seem to have been up and down every lane and track in Summerdale this morning, round and round in circles, getting absolutely nowhere…’

‘ “It’s a damned long, dark, boggy, dirty dangerous way.” ‘ said Tantamount. ‘ “From hedge to hedge about the new mown mead…” ‘

Malin hopped down on to Aunt Hetty’s shoulder. He put his head on one side and looked between her and Jasper. ‘I don’t think it matters him knowing now.’ she whispered to him. ‘As long as he can’t hear our actual words. Once Alfred has the bells we are bound to succeed, so it’ll just help to make Sir Jasper more jittery and uncertain.’

Malin whispered to her, she whispered again to him, and then he flew off. Rockall remained, smugly preening himself.

There was a short silence. Jasper dismounted, tied his reins to the rail, patted his horse’s head, looked around him, at the lovely day, the disgruntled crew, the peaceful empty village, and at Aunt Hetty. He sighed.

‘That seagull was talking to you, wasn’t it?’

‘Yes.’

‘And you were talking to it?’

‘Oh, yes.’ said Aunt Hetty, smiling sweetly. ‘Well, I am a witch.’

Archibald’s face was beginning to look rather grey with tinges of green about the jowls. He began to discretely shuffle away, but Jasper’s hand grasped him by the collar. ‘STAY!’ he said. ‘What would they say, shipmate, those stalwart frequenters of the sophisticated salons of Tunbridge Wells, if they could see their representative now? What prattle on the Pantiles? What musings on Mount Ephraim? This is the eighteenth century for heaven’s sake.’ He turned back to Aunt Hetty. ‘And I presume I am supposed to believe that my efforts today have been frustrated by occult powers?’

‘That’s for me to know and for you to ponder on.’

‘ “Fillet of a fenny snake, in the cauldron boil and bake…” ‘ said Tantamount.

‘Be quiet!’ said Jasper.

“ ‘Eye of newt and toe of frog, wool of bat and tongue of dog…” ‘

‘No!’ snarled Jasper.

‘ “ Adder’s fork and blind worm’s sting”? ‘

‘Definitely not. There is no need to be gratuitously offensive.’

‘ “Lizard’s leg?” ‘

 Aunt Hetty slowly raised a bony finger and pointed it at Tantamount. ‘Listen parrot, ’ she said, ‘Don’t push your luck. We are well inclined towards you at the moment, but if you value your gender, identity, and belonging to your present species, you would be wise to confine yourself to remarks that merely amuse and inform without giving offence. Do you get my drift?’

Tantamount hung his head. ‘ “Dreadful sorry, Clementine.” ‘ he said.

‘Thank you madam.’ said Jasper. ‘He does rather get carried away by the euphoria of the moment I am afraid. May we declare a momentary truce? I am rapidly becoming aware that I have some rather formidable opponents and would wish to clarify certain matters if that were possible without imperilling your plans? Also my men are rather hungry and very thirsty…’

‘Fair enough.’ Said Aunt Hetty. ‘I have some produce left over which Mr Rathbone’s party did not consume, and from which they are now surely suffering, so I will not offer you that. (Yes, they have passed this way, but you are not too far behind.) However the pump on the green will provide fresh, safe, water, and the orchard behind that rectory is full of apples, plums, and pears. Why not allow your men to enjoy that simple fare whilst you and I parley? Let us retire into the comfort of the School House. I suggest you bring your Mr Archibald with you as a witness in your best interest…’

‘Why would that be necessary madam? (Although I suspect you know the reason.)’

‘I do. Pirates on the Account generally operate as a Commonwealth, a co-operative venture in which, however superior in skill and experience the leader, his position depends upon the trust and support of all his subordinates. Yes, Sir Jasper, I also know who you are as well as what you’re at. Why do you smile in such a sad way?.’

They entered the School House, Jasper almost dragging Archibald. They sat together on the pupil’s benches and Aunt Hetty drew from one of her panniers a large flagon, some pork pies, and some sandwiches. ‘Lunch.’ she said. ‘Take what you wish, it’s all quite safe. To show good faith I shall take mine after you two have made your choices. So, I ask you again, why smile you so?’

‘I smile wryly madam because the only remotely stimulating and almost enjoyable events for me in these last few miserable hours have been the meetings with the widow I recently left up on the hill and now with yourself. Two highly intelligent ladies who, in other circumstances, would undoubtedly be most pleasant company but who, of course, such is my fate, are now my sworn enemies.

‘So you took to Esme Trundle did you? I’m not surprised – a woman of spirit.’

‘Trundle? Oh. I see… I am beginning to feel thoroughly trundled in my endeavours. Are you also by chance…?’

‘No, Sir Jasper. My name is Hepzibah Paragon. My friends call me Hetty. You may call me Madam.’

‘I am obliged to you, dear lady. Well here we are, with doubtless the majority of my intentions and activities known to you by various means – message carrying seagulls, every other bush infested with Trundles, dung gatherers lurking behind the hedgerows, and heavens knows what else I shall encounter before the day is out. But upon reflection it seems to me that my fruitless wanderings could well have been contrived by artifice, and even though you appear to share with St. Francis the gift of conversation with our feathered friends, I doubt that I am the subject of occult powers.’

‘Doubt on sir. The full extent of my resources has yet to be revealed. But did not your mother tell you that there would be days like this, full of challenge, mystery, adventure, and not a gleam of hope?’

‘Alas, no.’

‘It’s all in your stars.’

‘Astrology? Load of twaddle for gullible fools. Besides, how could you tell?’

‘Well, you’re a Scorpio aren’t you?’

‘How did you know that?’

‘I used my pendulum. And I looked at Romany Rachel’s forecast in the Summerdale and District Advertiser and there it was.’

‘What was madam?’

‘Your forecast for today – “Scorpio in conjunction with Uranus” – very painful.’

‘Ah! There I have you, madam. There is no such planet as Uranus.’

‘Oh, yes there is. You must be a little out of touch. It was confirmed as a planet by Sir William Herschel eight months ago.’

‘Well, all things considered I suppose I must count my blessings.’ Said Jasper bitterly. ‘I haven’t met any of my targets, my men are exhausted and almost mutinous, I haven’t got a penny to show for the day’s endeavours yet, but at least I am still alive – that must be a bonus.’

‘Ah, but you have as yet had only a modest exposure to the magical skills of the Paragons.’

‘There are more of you are there?’

‘My nephew has a considerable reputation.’

‘Indeed. Why is it then that we haven’t all been struck by lightning or turned into toadstools already?’

‘Well, er – certain matters had to be arranged. Our powers were rather limited by unforeseen circumstances.’

‘I thought they might be. With respect madam, I believe this all to be a bluff, possibly to protect yourself, but more likely to spread demoralisation amongst my gullible crew when Archibald here returns to them. That task should not be difficult. Some of them haven’t even got the brains of a stunned herring. For myself I am a modern, educated man, who has had to live by his wits and his sword. I do not believe in necromancy, alchemy, sorcery, converse with the devil, the prophesies of Old Mother Shipton, the Hand of Glory, riding on broomsticks, raising the wind, or any other form of magical mumbo jumbo. I do not anticipate being kidnapped by goblins and pigs might fly but I haven’t seen any.’

‘You should have been in Summerdale three years ago. Anyway, Mr Rathbone and his party might disagree with you. They have had some strange experiences today.’

‘Have they now? And I suppose you know where they are at the moment, do you?’

‘Oh yes. They are only about a mile away, down by the seashore, probably squatting in the sand dunes even as we speak.’

‘I don’t doubt you. But any inconveniences they may be experiencing are most likely to be due to what you have given them to eat or drink. I do not believe in magic.’

Aunt Hetty was beginning to get annoyed. ‘You doubt that I can utilise the earth’s energy and its life force? For that is what we do (and if I was you I’d keep a more open mind about broomsticks and wind raising – you might regret those doubts a little later.)’

‘ “You may call spirits from the vasty deep, and so can I, and so can any man. But will they come when you do call for them?” ‘said Tantamount.

‘Oh, they will come, cocky, they will come!’

‘I did not intend to upset you madam.’ said Jasper. ‘If you feel that you are able to summon strange, primeval, threatening life forms from where they are doubtless lurking under the floorboards of this school room, then please feel free to do so as a demonstration… Sit down Archibald’

Aunt Hetty rubbed her hands together and smiled malevolently.  ‘How ironic that you should refer to what lies beneath the floor boards of this school. Are you really sure you wish to try my powers Sir Jasper Scabbard?’

‘Indulge me, please.’

Tantamount hopped off his shoulder and walked to the back of the room where he positioned himself behind a desk, peering back at them. ‘ “Tears before bed time…” ‘ he squawked.

Aunt Hetty leant out of a window and called to Rockall. ‘Best fly off for a bit. Come back in half an hour.’ Jasper heard her muttering to herself and she appeared to be waving her arms about through the window. What he could not see were his crew, stuffing themselves with fruit in the Rectory orchard, beginning to yawn, slump to the ground, then falling fast asleep and all soon snoring like perpetually creaking doors.

 Aunt Hetty closed the window and dropped the catch. ‘Don’t want a draught, do we?’ she said. ‘Now, I shall need the assistance of a member of the audience. Perhaps, Sir Jasper, this rude young man of yours would like to volunteer?’ She produced a crystal pendulum hanging by a silken cord.

‘NO WAY!’ spluttered Archibald, attempting to leave, but restrained by the vice like grip of Jasper on his collar.

‘Don’t be a fool man. She’s only going to try and hypnotise you, aren’t you madam?’

‘Ah, you’ve rumbled me, haven’t you?’ leered Aunt Hetty. She beckoned to Archibald. ‘I promise that no permanent harm will come to you. (It may do later – if you don’t co-operate now.) Come along, watch the swinging crystal, think beautiful thoughts – you’ll soon be going home to mummy in Tunbridge Wells, taking her all those lovely souvenirs of Summerdale…’

Archibald’s eyes glazed over. Aunt Hetty beckoned him and he slowly rose and followed her up on to the class room platform where she stood him by the teacher’s desk, putting his hands together as though in prayer, and placing a dunce’s hat from inside the desk upon his head.

‘Very impressive dear lady.’ smiled Jasper. ‘But no more than Franz Mesmer has demonstrated already. (You see, I am informed about some recent scientific developments.)’

 Aunt Hetty smiled sweetly. ‘I knew it would be a pleasure to do business with you Sir Jasper – I told my colleagues I was looking forward to this day.’

‘You are most kind madam. Well, pleasant as this has been, and I am sure you could provide us with hours of innocent amusement, but we had best be off. If you would kindly deglaze poor Archibald. (Colleagues you say…?)’

‘Oh, but now you must indulge me for a moment. That’s only fair, isn’t it? I haven’t quite finished, and it was only my tenderness – always been my weakness, that placed him unaware of what is to befall him now.’

‘Oh, dear. And what might that be madam? Are we now to see him dance, crawl like the beasts of the field, remove his clothing, or endure some other indignity?’

‘Oh no. I would not demean the poor fellow even though this is his retribution moment. It wouldn’t be fair to make him a laughing stock amongst his fellows.’

‘How considerate. What are you going to do to him then?’

‘I am going to make him fly.’

Jasper shook his head impatiently. ‘Now please desist dear lady. You are a very brave and ingenious person but this has gone on for far too long…’

‘Not yet it hasn’t matey,’ said Aunt Hetty grimly, removing the old scarf from around her head and shaking free surprisingly abundant glistening black locks. ‘Remember your remark about the floorboards? How’s about this then kiddo?’ She twirled the cord of the pendulum about her wrist until the crystal fell into her palm, then she rolled it to and fro in her hands. A golden glow began to rise from her fingers. She freed her right hand from the cord and placed the now incandescent crystal in her other hand. Then she began to move her right arm slowly to and fro before her. It seemed to Jasper that she became straighter and taller, no longer a frail elderly woman, but someone in the prime of her years, and when she spoke her voice was strong and powerful.

‘By Azariel and Mithras, by Brigid and Cernunnos, by Isis, Ishtar, and Parvati, by the stars at night and the lines of fire that on this Autumn Equinox are open for our purpose, and in this special place, I summon the power of Gaia!’

There was a moment’s stillness. Nothing happened and Jasper almost breathed a sigh of relief. But then, from between the floorboards, wisps of coloured smoke began to rise, and pungent, animal and herby smells began to gather in the class room. Jasper coughed – the atmosphere was getting denser, the room began to feel far too small for what it started to contain. The curtains at the windows were now plastered to the glass, the doors were creaking, there was a cracking sound as some of the wooden walls started to split… Then the smoke gave way to shafts of lurid light, swirling in separate places about the room.

Still holding out the now pulsating crystal in one hand, with the other Aunt Hetty wafted the swirls of coloured light around poor Archibald, totally encompassing him with one racing vortex of power until he could hardly be seen within it. The she stabbed her index finger towards him and a fine line of lightning shot from it as she cried out ‘SHAZAM M’ZIEN!

There was an almighty crack of thunder and at first the class room seemed to implode. Jasper felt he was being crushed to death but then there was a huge explosion, the walls of the School House burst apart, the roof split in two and vanished skywards, and Archibald rocketed off into the clouds and out of sight.

Author of Dangerous Chimes, read more about Michael Macauley over here.

Bad news for the Professor, the pirates suffer Aunt Hetty, and Jasper meets a rather special lady…

‘Everything seems to be going as planned.’ said Professor Paragon, rubbing his hands together. Now we have the brewer’s dray we can start moving the bells up to the church. We’ll take the two smaller ones, Godolphin and Abelard first, then Ignatius and Calabar, and Magnus last of all.’

‘Why not the big one first?’ asked Boswell.

‘Maximum effort will be needed to raise that one. It will be quite difficult even with the equipment I have brought from Castle Crab. Godolphin is the smallest and we should be able to get that set relatively easily. Once that can be rung, each subsequent bell will have an increasing level of magical support, so making our task each time that much less arduous. And we need to get one bell ringing as quickly as possible so as to provide me with power to most effectively act against our enemies.’

He rolled back the tarpaulin from the bells beside the forge.

‘First of all they must be calmed.’ he said, and began passing his hands to and fro over them, muttering obscure phrases all the while.

Boswell was amazed to see a sudden harsh red glow surge over them, to quickly be succeeded by gentle shining and soft and subtle tones of colours flowing over each of the bells in turn.

Just then Biscay flew down, carrying a note from Doctor Johnson.

Professor Paragon.

Very bad news. The seagulls report that Mr Nathan Boon has returned alone. He and Mr Buckram were captured by outlaws before finding help. Mr Buckram was recognised as a wealthy merchant and is being held for ransom. They demand a thousand guineas within the week and no attempt to rescue him or he will be killed. Mr Bean is exhausted and presently resting with his neighbours in the forest. Even if we can defeat the pirates, where can such a sum be obtained?

Sam. Johnson.

‘How dreadful.’ exclaimed Boswell. ‘No help now possible coming from the south, and a friend in mortal danger.’

‘I thought that things were going too well.’ sighed the Professor. ‘What next I wonder?’

‘Where is Tom?’ asked Barney.

* * *

In the Lower Rumble School Aunt Hetty did not yet know of the latest bad news. Malin had only recently reported that the Professor was about to collect the bells, and now Rockall flew down with the information that the pirates were approaching.

The notice on the outskirts of the village was hardly encouraging.

 

LOWER RUMBLE

Twinned with Marrakesh

Pillaging Hours 10.00 to 12.30

Monday to Thursday only

Take your rubbish home

 

‘Bugger!’ said Morry. ‘Too late and wrong day.’

‘What does it matter?’ said Rathbone. ‘We’re outside the law – or had you forgotten?’

‘Oh, so we are. And bloody hungry too. Look, there’s the School House. That’s where that old woman said she’d give us some grub.’

‘What’s that plaque on the wall?’

‘ “School Dinner Awards 1782 – First Prize for Stewed Mutton and Greens” ’

‘She said she’d give us some soup…’

Dazed and rather exhausted, they shuffled into one of the class rooms, directed by Mr Bagley, who now had a waxed moustache, mortar board, gown, pinstriped suit, and carried a cane. Aunt Hetty was sitting on a raised platform, behind a teacher’s desk.

‘Now sit down everybody.’ said Mr Bagley. ‘Best of order now. Quiet please for the Black Hag.’

‘That’s better already.’ said Aunt Hetty. ‘Now let’s have the roll call for the register then you can all have some lovely chicken soup. With additives. We’ll start with you – you’re Head Boy aren’t you? What’s your name?’

‘Me? I’m Rathbone.’

‘Is that your full name? No surname, no soup.’

‘That is my surname.’

‘What’s your first name?’

‘(mutter, mutter…)’

‘Speak up boy.’

‘Percival, if you must know.’

(‘Did you know that?’  No, I didn’t know that. Bit poncey if you ask me. No wonder he didn’t mention it.)

‘Be quiet, the lot of you. Next?’

‘Plymouth Hoe Pete, my lover.’

‘Don’t be familiar with me boy. And you?’

‘Hawser Trunnion.’

‘Thomas Babington Smith.’

‘Tembo N’tango. I’m your token black.’

‘Twiga M’wizi. I’m your second token black.’

‘I see. So we have an Elephant That Won’t Dance and a Thieving Giraffe have we?’

‘Don’t dis my brother Ma’am.’

‘You speak Swahili Ma’am?’

‘Oh yes, my lad. I speak anything – when needed. And I suppose you’re the third token black?’

‘No, lady. I’m Haroun the Damned. I’m your token brown.’

‘Thank you for that. And who is that hiding behind the desk?’

‘That’s Achmed the Shy.’

‘I would have thought that being shy was something of a disadvantage if you’re a pirate.’

‘On the contrary.’ said Rathbone, ‘Many’s the time the flash of his scimitar shooting out from the shadows has been the last thing a person has seen before they find themselves one head short of the full body department, if you take my meaning.’

‘I see. And what are the rest of you jokers called?’

‘Matt Finish.’

‘Mick Stubbles.’

‘Well ‘ard Walter.’

‘Mad Max Murgatroyd.’

‘Raging Rod Ramsden.’

‘Meltdown Martin.’

‘Rather Cross Roland.’

‘Slightly annoyed Sidney. I’m your token ship’s carpenter.’

‘Oh really? Do try not to be too silly class. And who are you?’

‘I’m Maurice Dancer, you-can-call-me-Morry. I’m your…’

‘I think we all know what you are, Mr Dancer.’

‘Well I do so hope that this won’t all prove to be a total waste of time. It hasn’t exactly been a madly gay day so far. I’ve been seeing the strangest things, and now I think I’m getting one of my headaches.’

‘Well, you’ll soon feel different with some chicken spindle soup in you lad. Not necessarily better, but different. And that boy at the back – what’s your name?’

‘Eustace-ain’t-got-no-surname-just-Eustace.’

‘He has got a surname Miss, but he’s just forgotten it.’

‘Well I can’t remember everything – always getting battered by the enemy. And my foot don’t arf whiff where I trod…’

‘Yes, we know. And Eustace…’

‘Wot Miss ?’

‘Don’t do that. Now I want you to all wash your hands before you eat. There’s some nice creamy bars of soap in the washroom.’

The pirates really were very hungry, and they were soon squatting on the children’s benches, slurping eagerly at the very tasty soup, dunking their warm fresh bread in their bowls, and belching with enthusiasm.

‘We haven’t seen any sign of a Shopping Mall Miss.’

‘Nor a Customs Office nor Bonded Warehouse come to that.’

‘They are just on the other side of the hill. In the holiday resort. They used to call it Butlins Goldcaster and then it became Summerdale World. There’s fish and chips, ice cream, toilets… (I think you’ll find them very handy soon) Yes, you’ll find everything you want down there.’

‘Is the Garden of Earthly Delights there as well?’

‘Oh, yes, it certainly is. I might have known you’d be looking for that, you little rascal you.’

‘Well, I like a nice Earthly Delight from time to time.’

‘Don’t we all dear, don’t we all?’ said Aunt Hetty, rather wistfully. ‘Yes, you will find all those attractions together, down by the sea.’

‘The Sea?’ exclaimed Rathbone.

‘Yes, you can’t miss it, it’s that huge blue wavy thing where the mermaids live, on the other side of the beach.’

‘Nobody told me we were anywhere near the sea.’

‘They keep things from you do they? Apparently the arrangements have been changed. Your Captain has been delayed and he’ll meet you there. So if you’ve all finished off you go. You’d best hurry – pillaging hours are limited out of season down there as well.’

The pirates hurried off grumbling, their digestive tracts starting to twitch, and their hands beginning to itch and turn green. The Spindle Leaf chicken soup and Hetty’s Herbal Handcream was about to take a hold…

* * *

Jasper was beginning to grow weary of vague lanes winding on and on, apparently in circles, sometimes deteriorating into muddy tracks. Weary too of stumbling over knotted tree roots, groping through dark tunnels in overhanging woods, then the false joys of emerging out again into brightness and apparently reasonable roads, only to be once more confronted with barriers and obstacles, all the while with both cart and trolley totally bereft of booty.

He had given up the attempt to find Summerdale Towers, but still had some hopes of reaching Richpickings Farm.

He now came upon an ancient cottage with acute angled gables and deep eaves, clad in dark green ivy, with close looming oaks around it, and bees in the garden, thrumming amongst the flowers and herbs. On his horse he could sometimes see over the hedges by which his party passed, and here he noticed a curtain twitch.

He whispered to his men, telling them to stay quiet and hidden, and then dismounted, tied his horse to the gatepost, approached the door, and pulled the bell chain.

He heard a distant cracked and sombre tolling. No response. He waited a while then pulled the chain again. Instantly the door creaked half open, startling him and making jump. Peering over the securing chain was a tall, severe looking, but very beautiful woman, clad all in black, with her greying hair pulled back, and wearing no jewellery save a velvet choker at her neck on which was set a silver mounted cameo. She had high cheekbones and deep green eyes, and her hands were apparently clasped behind her back.

‘There was no need to ring twice. I would have thought that patience was an essential virtue for an unsolicited visitor. Who might you be and what do you want?’

Jasper doffed his hat and bowed. ‘I do apologise madam. May I presume that I am addressing the lady of the house?’

‘You are indeed. And if you ‘just happen to be in the area’ and are looking for a property where, in return for demonstrating your products to other householders, you would replace my perfectly satisfactory windows with some Strawberry Hill Gothick tomfoolery for a much reduced price, ‘whilst this offer lasts’, then you are to be disappointed, for not only am I virtually destitute but these mullion windows are here to stay.’

‘No, no, dear lady. You mistake my errand. I merely seek guidance as to the whereabouts of Richpickings Farm.’

‘What do you want with a ruin?’

‘A ruin madam?’

‘Exactly sir. The name of the place is ironic. Deliberately. It was always a poor place with hardly a sufficient harvest to keep a single soul alive. Rocks, stones, weeds, parasites infest it. In latter years it has become merely a retreat for contemplation by summer poets and suchlike wastrels, but now that the roof has fallen in it is completely abandoned.’

‘Oh, how very cheering.’ said Jasper, tight lipped and with great difficulty restraining himself from cursing. ‘It seems that every quest I undertake today is to be frustrated. You are sure about this madam?’

‘Do you doubt my word sir?’ The lady was irate. ‘I have lived in this area all my life. I may be a sad widow whom circumstances hath cast into impoverishment, with few possessions (and those of no value being of the basic domestic sort), and compelled to be rewarded by the most modest of stipends and accommodation for my duties in the capacity of companion to the very demanding lady ghost who inhabits this property, but despite my low situation I do not lie sir.’

‘Forgive me dear lady. Of course I do not doubt you… (A ghost?) No matter, no matter. No business of mine. Thank you for your confidences. Would that I could be of service to you. Perhaps…’

Just then there was a loud series of sneezes from behind the hedge. Jasper turned around with a muffled curse. As he turned back he found the lady standing now with both her hands before her, two cocked pistols pointing at his chest.

‘A touch of hay fever amongst the crew?’ she said. ‘Push off, pirate!’

‘Believe me madam…’

‘Believe you, Sir Jasper Scabbard? I think not sir.’

‘Ah… You have had intelligence of my identity and doubtless my purposes I suppose?’

‘Indeed I have sir. As have by now all the remaining residents of Summerdale.’

‘The young Trundles have spread the word then?’

‘Believe what you wish sir. I suppose your rabble will now overwhelm me and plunder my pitiful home whilst you violate me?’

‘For heaven’s sake, madam – I am not a barbarian!’

‘Oh no?’

Was it his imagination or did the lady look a little downcast? ‘I am only sorry to have put such a courageous and handsome lady to any inconvenience. I sincerely wish we could extend this transient acquaintance in happier circumstances. Might I know your name?’

‘You will have to torture me to obtain it.’

‘Oh dear, oh dear. We have got off to a poor start have we not? Another time, another place perhaps?’

‘In your dreams, pirate.’

He slowly replaced his hat and said ‘May I at least leave you may card?’

‘No you may not sir.’ she said, with almost the trace of a smile upon her lips. ‘For then I would be obliged to receive it, and whilst transferring both pistols to one hand and so effectively disabling myself, a villain as experienced and probably as skilful as yourself could swiftly draw and fire one of your undoubtedly ready primed weapons and I would be dead meat.’’

‘Madam,’ he sighed. ‘You misjudge me. But then why should you not, upon such brief acquaintance and with the biased intelligence I now perceive you have acquired?’

‘I make my own judgements sir.’

‘As do I. And I have three reasons why I believe that as I turn and leave you, you will not shoot me in the back.’

‘And what may those reasons be Sir Jasper?’

‘Firstly, because I now suspect that there are far more subtle forces opposed to me than I had heretofore supposed, and that it is possibly hoped that I may be manoeuvred into a position whereby my modest achievements may be nullified. Secondly, because you are a shrewd woman and know that should you kill me, my crew are close at hand to deliver possibly vicious revenge.’

‘And the third reason sir?’

‘That is because I know you already from my observation to be not only beautiful but brave, and believe that, like myself, in the final analysis, you are a person of honour, and that is why, madam, I am going to turn my back and trust you not to kill me. I shall then call off my men, and hope that at some time in the future I can make amends for disturbing you and repay you for allowing me to retire unharmed.’

Jasper bowed low, turned and slowly walked back into the lane. He mounted his horse, looked back and raised his hat again, smiled and left.

She stood still in the doorway, her pistols lowered in her now shaking hands. There was another bout of sneezing, but drawing further off. She heard Sir Jasper’s voice, growing fainter… ‘Shut up Clarence – control yourself. Stuff something up your nose, you appalling hypochondriac. For heaven’s sake…’

She turned back into the house and closed the door, leaning back against it. ‘It’s alright Elisabeth. You can come out now.’

‘Thank you Aunt Esme. You were superb!’

‘I was rather good, wasn’t I? What a fascinating man. Evil of course, but there was something about him…’

‘I was running out of places to hide. This cloak is getting rather too torn. Is there really a ghost here?’

‘Oh yes. That’s why nobody will live in the place. But she’s perfectly friendly. Just very sad about being betrayed by a man. The usual story. Well I must be getting back to the farm. It’ll soon be milking time and I’m a bit shorthanded. I’ve only got ten men to look after three hundred acres. You did very well to steer the pirates away. We’ve only managed to hide some of the harvest – we’re bursting at the seams with produce and as you know the place is also chock full of valuable things that we have collected over the years. You have seen some of the jewels your uncle Rowley brought back from India…’

Author of Dangerous Chimes, read more about Michael Macauley over here.

The pirates still suffering but evil Speke has plans for Tom

The First Mate’s detachment were running from Tumblegill Mill, the horse pulling the cart wild eyed and panting, the handcarts bumping on the verges, the pirates stumbling into each other as they kept looking back behind them for the serpent, all of them staggering and lurching, almost out of breath, their only consolation being that the exercise had helped to ease the effects of the Jimsonweed Tripper tea. Eventually they came to a halt at yet another crossroads.

‘Why have we stopped?’

‘SHUT UP!’ explained Rathbone, scratching his head and studying the scribbled notes he had made at Aunt Hetty’s tea stall.

‘Are we lost?’

‘It’s half past twelve – nearly dinner time.’

‘Where’s this Lower Rumble place then?’

‘In my belly – I’m ravenous.’

‘Buggering about all morning…’

‘Nothing to show for it…’

‘Come on lads, pull yourselves together. We’ve still got this Hogweed House to have a go at. Bound to be something worthwhile there. Then there’s all those jewellery shops and stuff, and the Bonded Warehouse – sure to be chock full of brandy and baccy and rum. ’

‘And lace. I get a real frill from lace, I really do.’

‘And what about that Garden of Earthly Delights place, eh? I fancy a bit of that, John. Know what I mean?. Right up my street.’

‘Sho nuff man. Me’ll have some of dat. All dem part time virgin chicks.’

‘Clad in nothing but wispy negligibles. ’

‘Fluttering their eyes…’

‘No they don’t.’

‘Of course they do. Known for it. Houris with kohl in their eyes.’

‘I thought you said they was virgins?’

‘Ah said deh was part time.’

‘I don’t fancy them if they’ve got coal in their eyes. Put you right off, having an eyeful of nutty slack peering up at you.’

‘They don’t flutter their eyes.’

‘Yes they do.’

‘No they don’t’

‘What do they flutter then?’

‘They flutter their eye lashes.’

‘Oh, Mr Picky now, is it? I bet they won’t flutter them at you mate.

‘They will if the price is right.’

‘Alright, alright! We’re all up for it so let’s get on. Down this way, best foot forward. (Eustace – mind what you tread in. …)

But at Hogweed House another forlorn opportunity was waiting for Rathbone’s party of pillagers. This small, rather rundown cottage was empty and there was a notice board in the garden.

SOLD

Prestigious half acre plot for

provision of either five Executive homes,

Ten Fully Serviced Offices,

or Forty snug Retirement Studio Flats

for discerning Gentlefolk.

Enquiries to

ANTHILL, MODSLUM, AND GROTBLOCK

Architects and Developers

 

Pinned to the porch was a note.

Dear Mr Morlock. Has you no we as been turned out

by these bastards. We’ve left in the barn what we couldn’t take wiv us the which you are very welcome to. The key to the barn door is on a hook in the usual place which will no longer need emptying. Regards to Mrs.Morlock and help yourself to the cabbages.

‘This looks like another bloody no show.’ said Rathbone.

‘Well at least there will be something in this barn…’

‘I wouldn’t bet on it.’

‘You’re one heavy cynical dude, Mr Mate.’

‘It comes with the territory around here. No, don’t waste effort breaking that door open. Eustace, go and get the key – it will be hanging in the privy, probably round the back.’

A few minutes passed before Eustace returned.

‘You took your time.’

‘I had to. And that note’s wrong.’

‘In what way?’

‘Well, the privy’ll need emptying now.’

‘I bet it does. Give me the key.’

‘Do be careful – I thought I heard a shuffling inside…’

‘Morry, abandoned furniture does not shuffle. What the …?’

As Rathbone started to open the barn doors a very thick, grey, mottled, wrinkled, leathery tube came twisting out of the gap and probed him forcefully in the crutch.

‘Heavens to Betsy!’ cried Morry. ‘It’s another snake – oh, no it’s not…’

The doors were pushed open wide to reveal great grey flapping ears, nodding tusks, and two peering, rather angry looking eyes.

‘Wazzat?’

‘That, Eustace ma man, am a heffalump.’ said Tembo. ‘It’s like de rhinocerous but bigger and with different extensions innit.’

‘Remember Zanzibar?’ said Morry. ‘Calicut? Rangoon?’

‘No, that was before my time. My mum would only let me go on short voyages to start with.’

‘Never mind that.’ said Rathbone. ‘It looks like this one comes with an attitude problem.’

The elephant was now shaking it’s head from side to side and pawing at the ground.

‘It does seem a tad miffed.’ said Morry. ‘What shall we do with it?’

‘I’m more worried about what it’s going to do with us. Its already tried to grab me by the scroats.’

‘If in doubt give it a clout.’

‘You great Jessie – that would make it worse.’

‘Shoot it then?’

‘You’d need a couple of cannon to put that thing down.’

‘Well, it is a beast of burden. We could always use it to carry booty.’

‘What booty? We’ve already got an empty cart and two empty trolleys.’

‘Look – it seems to be more friendly… Well, perhaps not…’

The elephant had plodded over to the cart where it sniffed at the horse.. The horse reared up in the shafts, the elephant turned away, looked at the pirates with disdain, trumpeted loudly, and sat on one of the trolleys, shattering it. One of the wheels rolled towards Rathbone and fell at his feet.

‘Looks like you were right, Honky Tonk.’ said Morry, peering into the empty barn. ‘Nothing worthwhile here. Still, one less empty trolley to lug about.’

As the disconsolate pirates set off for Lower Rumble the elephant trumpeted loudly again.

‘EEY-OOOR! it went.

Yes, Aunt Hetty’s donkey Horace had also been at the Paragon Meta Mix.

* * *

‘Now tell me boy,’ snarled Luther Speke, gripping Tom’s ear. ‘How did you escape yesterday morning?’

‘Please sir, someone came and let us out sir.’ (Well, that was part of the truth.)

‘Who was it, you urchin?’

‘Please sir, I don’t know sir. I was hiding.’

‘But didn’t they take you out of the town?’

‘No sir. My sister and I got out on our own.’

‘You’re lying!’ shouted Speke, raising his hand to slap Tom.

‘That’s enough Mr Speke.’ said Spud, taking hold of Tom’s shoulder. ‘Why would they need a guide? They live ’ere for heaven’s sake.’

‘Yessss… I suppose you’re right. Take the little swine down below and lock him up until I decide what to do with him.’ He shook his clenched fist in Tom’s face. ‘And the slightest sign of any trouble from you boy, and I’ll rip out your miserable lights – Understand?’

Tom was trying to be brave but was biting his lip as Spud took him below deck. ‘Spud,’ he said, ‘Yesterday I didn’t break my parole to you.’

‘I know you didn’t, lad.’

‘When Sir Jasper took us ashore Elisabeth said that we had become his prisoners. I wondered if you’d thought we’d betrayed you?’

‘Splice me for bilge rat! Of course I didn’t. Come on, let’s calm you down and get some grub inside yer. ‘Here, use me handkercher, it’s almost clean…’

Speke was pacing to and fro on the poop deck.

Here was a pretty kettle of fish – almost the opportunity he had been waiting for. Regardless of what might be brought back by the expedition into Summerdale this was already a very rich ship. Now stowed aboard the Black Leopard was all the booty worth having from the town, added to that already held by the crew, himself, and what was hidden in the Captain’s chest. He had always known that that would be well worth having but having overheard the conversation the night before his principle concern had been what was also in it that was so very valuable.

Even without the dratted bells it would have been a shrewd move to cut and run right now. How very ironic – all that loot, totally under his control, and hardly an able bodied man to get it away. Five good seamen captured, five more on board virtually useless because of injuries, the Cook and Tadmartin totally loyal to Scabbard and so in need of slit throats and heaving overboard, leaving only himself, Steelclaw Hawkins, and Blackheart Luke to man the biggest brigantine in the North Atlantic. And they alone wouldn’t even be able to rig the sails and weigh the anchors without many more hands.

No, even if he somehow got back those who had been captured, he’d need a good few more who were on the Summerdale expedition to provide a working crew, let alone a fighting one. And there would need to be some subtle sounding out and manipulation, perhaps also another opportune crisis before he made a move. No, now was not the time. In this situation it would be best to ingratiate himself with Scabbard, to continue to show loyalty and initiative, and to keep him reassured.

And suppose the town people attacked the ship? They must have some of the crew’s weapons now. How many of them were there? Would they be joined by others? Would they foolishly try such an attack? Whilst the few local fishing boats were tied up to the Leopard, two of her own boats were at the quay at that moment and might be used – he’d better have a couple of cannon aimed at them…

‘What are we going to do about the bells Mr Speke?’

He looked at the cranes already rigged on board and cursed for the wasted effort. Or was it? Was there somehow still a chance of securing the bells – a lot of gold was at stake. Those people would only want the bells for their value. All they would probably do would be to attempt to take them off somewhere safer. Threats to the boy could stop that.

‘Let ‘em have the blooming bells.’ said a pirate with a bandage on his hand and his arm in a sling. ‘I hope they get as battered and bruised and burned as we were.’

‘Yus. Good riddance says I.’ said another with his foot in plaster.

`Gugger er gells.’ said a pirate who had been burnt on the hand by one bell, knocked over by another, and had a third roll over his head, badly bruising his jaw and making him bite his tongue. ‘Gy goke ey ekloge an gill er glok og un.

‘Wassee say ?’

‘He hopes they explode and kill the lot of them.’

‘Just use your brains for once.’ snapped Speke. ‘The Captain won’t be too pleased will he? You letting them be recaptured. Give you a bonus, will he? You know how he feels about those bells – more likely to lop off your heads with his cutlass.’

‘It’s all going blooey ain’t it? said Steelclaw.

There was a painful pause while the other pirates pondered.

‘Look…’ said Blackheart, pointing towards the town. From the deck of the Black Leopard the flagpole of the Town Hall could clearly be seen above the rooftops. The Skull and Crossbones was now being lowered.

 ‘What are we going to do, Mr Speke?’

‘You seem to forget – we have a hostage…’

Author of Dangerous Chimes, read more about Michael Macauley over here.

The Pirates confused but Tom Captured

HISSING – DO YOU HEAR IT?

While Jasper was still wandering futilely around his chosen part of Summerdale, Rathbone’s pirates had reached Tumblegill wool mill. By now the Jimsonweed Tripper tea was starting to take effect and whilst some were still going vaguely forward, most were lurching in the general direction of side to side. Only the horse pulling the cart seemed totally sober.

‘Ain’t that nice man? Dem flowers am waving to us.’

‘Where?’

‘On top of dat wall.’

‘You been on the ganja again? They’re birds, flapping their wings.

‘Stay cool man, them’s flowers… aren’t they?’

 ‘They’re birds I tell you. Funny colours they are though. Still, at least they aren’t nosy, crap plopping seagulls.’

‘That one is – on the roof. That’s funny…’

‘What is Morry?’

‘Vada the roof -its rippling, or me orbs are going…’

‘Don’t be daft. Whoops!’

‘Wassa matter?’

‘Felt a bit giddy then. Anyway, let’s get to work.’

‘Pigs been ‘ere.’

‘How do you know, Eustace?’

‘My foot found out. And my nose.’

‘Never mind that. Kick the door in. Oh… It’s swinging open already. ‘

‘Must be the wind.’

‘What wind? Them mill sails aren’t even moving.’

‘What’s it matter?  Let’s get inside and get looting. ‘

Tumblegill Mill had been added to through the ages. The miller’s empty home was on one side of a very large beamed hall which separated it from the mill tower and storage rooms. It was very dark inside the hall, and the pirates peered about in the gloom.

 

‘Wassat noise? Sounds like hissing.’

‘I can’t hear nothing. Must be the wind.’

‘I keep telling you – there is no wind. Put up those blinds – get some light in here. That’s better.’

‘You’re right. There is no wind. Look at those bits of mist drifting about.’

‘That’s not mist. They’re fairy farts. This place is bewitched.’

‘Don’t talk rubbish. Where’s your bottle?’

‘Empty. I’ve run out of rum. Had hoped to find some more by now. Or at least some local hooch.’

‘I still feel giddy.’

‘My eyes are going funny.’

‘I can still hear a hissing noise – must be me ears playing up.’

‘I think I’m having one of my turns.’

‘Well, there’s nothing in this hall. What’s behind these other doors?’

‘Nothing here. Oh yes there is, it’s a blooming snake!’

‘That’s not a snake, it’s a bit of rope.’

‘There’s nothing in here either, except another bit of rope.’

‘This room’s empty too, apart from rope.’

‘Them ropes is wriggling.’

‘No they’re not… Are they?’

‘They’re snakes, I tell you. They’re all over the place.’

‘They’re only bits of rotteny rope, you pillock.’

‘He sees ‘em, I hears ‘em. There is something hissing I tell you.’

‘That’s odd…’

‘What is?’

‘See that long beam that goes right across the hall roof?’

‘What about it?’

‘Well, there’s another beam on top of it, a round one, like a tree trunk.’

‘So there is. And it bends – goes right up to the roof.’

‘Er, yes.. and down to the floor in the corner.’

‘Must be fifty foot long, that double bent beam…’

‘At least fifty foot. More like fifty five.’

‘Wonder why it’s painted with all those bright stripes an’ that?’

‘I wonder. And, er, the bit down by the floor is very like a head I fancy…’

‘Er, yes, so it is. And is it my eyes going funny again or is it starting to move?’

‘Er, no, I do believe you’re right this time. That long, thick, double bent fifty foot length of painted beam is definitely on the move.’

‘Now that is a snake, isn’t it?’

‘Oh, yes. I think we can agree there – no doubt about it. That’s a snake – mother and grandmother of all snakes by the look of it.’

‘I told you I heard a hissing.’

‘Not much point in firing at it I suppose?’

‘Not a lot – only aggravate it. Don’t move too quick.. Just shuffle, very gently…towards the door…

‘Hissssss… Ribbit !.. Hisssss!…’ said the snake, its forked tongue shooting in and out of its mouth and its great jaws snapping as it slowly started to slither across the floor.

‘Aaargh!’ screamed the pirates, and fled.

Now the mill was left in peace, the flowers on the wall no longer waving in the autumn sunshine, the main door lying with broken hinges in the yard (well, there was rather a crush during the escape), and Arnold the toad squatting on the doorstep with a rather smug expression on his face.

He always enjoyed the occasional swig of Paragon’s Patent Metamorphosis Mixture.

* * *

At Goldcaster Town Hall the Professor’s party had rather roughly bundled their captured pirates into one of the much utilised cellars in the basement.

The Gullnet was working well. Doctor Johnson and Fastnet had been informed about the success so far, and the Professor now knew that there were no pirates near the brewhouse and Umbrage and Barney then went with the heaviest horses to harness up the brewer’s dray so that they could carry off the bells and replace them in the church. The brewery was close by a crystal clear stream on the north slopes of the town and so was some way from the forge.

On Jasper’s instructions Speke had had the bells brought out of the forge and they were now laid in the road, covered by a tarpaulin, awaiting the building of a raft to transport them to the ship.

The seagulls had already reported that only two pirates were guarding them, and Professor Paragon was going to use the same plan as before, the armoured traction engine coming one way whilst other members of their force attacked from a different direction. As he and the rest of his party, some of them now armed with the captured pirates pistols, headed for the forge it seemed that all should go according to his plan.

Unfortunately no prisoners were to be captured this time.

The pirate whose foot had been run over as they drove into the town had painfully limped down towards the Town Hall. He had been too late to warn his comrades there, but hidden behind a tree he had seen them overcome.

Off he had limped again, now up to the Forge, cursing under his breath, but this time arriving before the Professor’s party. Because the Forge was some way from the Town Hall, the two guards there had not realised that the town was being recaptured. Now warned by their sore footed friend, and since they were obviously outnumbered by the townsfolk who had returned to Goldcaster, they decided to try and get back to their ship and warn the Quartermaster.

Wary of any of the attackers who might be about, the furtive three set off towards the harbour…

* * *

Even though only two pirates had to be overcome, Tom had been very clearly told to keep away from the forge. Left out of the action he idly kicked a stone along the gutter outside the Town Hall.

He wondered what the pirates on the Black Leopard might be doing. There would be no harm in going down to the harbour and having a look, as long as he was careful. He would be sure to keep out of sight.

He was taking a short cut down a narrow alley when an arm shot out from a gap between two buildings and grabbed him.

‘Gotcha!’ said the pirate, one of the three hunched in a dark doorway.

‘Ouch!’ said Tom.

‘Do ye ken who I am, laddie?’ asked his captor.

‘Er, no.’ gulped Tom.

‘I’m Foul Carnage MacCroon, the terror of Glen Groanin. Some people call me deranged. What are you going to call me, laddie?’

‘Er, how about “Sir”, Mr Deranged?’

‘Are you mocking me, boy?’

‘Oh, no sir, certainly not sir. I didn’t know they had pirates in Scotland.’

‘Och aye, the very worst, ye wee sassenach scrivit, ye. We creep up the creeks and lurk in the lochs, and reek our revenge.’

‘Revenge for what sir?’

‘I’ve forgotten. Dinna change the subject. How did ye ken I was from Scotland?’

‘Oh, just a hunch, sir.’

‘Bright little critter, ain’t he, Carnage?’

‘Aye, mebbe. Ye would’na know anything about running over my last good foot with a giant wheeled machine, would you, laddie?’

Tom shook his head vigorously. ‘That must have been painful sir. And your friends have been hurt as well?’ This was a reasonable assumption since one was leaning on a crutch and the other had a bandage around his neck and plasters on his hands.

 For the three pirates Tom was a very welcome bonus. His recapture might keep Sir Jasper’s inevitable rage down to a tolerable level.

‘Now see you pal, ye know the score, we’ve had ye before. One squeak and we’ll throttle ye, an’ then ah’ll rip yer heid off by the way. Ah’m no kidding – D’ye hear what ah’m saying?’

Tom nodded his head, hard, several times. They then went down to the harbour, Tom secured by a great hairy hand clutching his collar, and the three pirates shuffling, lurching, and limping along as best they could.

As they came on to the quay the Quartermaster, with Steelclaw, Blackheart, Spud Tadmartin, and the Cook were approaching in the long boat, intending to join the others and start work on the raft. The three pirates with Tom bundled him aboard.

‘Back Mr Speke, we must go back! The griswolds have recaptured the town, hundreds of them there are. They’ve got a great armoured fighting machine… There’s skin and hair flying everywhere.’

Cursing, Speke abandoned his task, and they all rowed off back to the Black Leopard again as fast as possible.

Author of Dangerous Chimes, read more about Michael Macauley over here.

The Professor’s party retake Goldcaster

As the Professor’s party reached the outskirts of the town they split into two groups. The plan was for Berengaria to approach down the main road into the Market Square and attract the guards attention at their headquarters in the Town Hall, whilst Barney and the others came at them, hopefully unseen, from a different direction.

Boswell couldn’t help feeling worried. In spite of the protective armour that Will Nudd and the others had built around the cab of Berengaria, there was still a lot of risk involved.

Were there really only the sixteen pirates left behind, eight in the town and eight still aboard the Black Leopard as the gulls had reported?

Would Barney’s men be able to get into the town without being seen?

Would the pirates ashore be too well armed for the Professor’s party, who had no guns, to have any chance of overpowering them even with a little magic – if it worked?

And would they be able to overcome them before those on board realised what was happening and came to their assistance?

But Boswell looked round at his companions in the cab of the traction engine and was cheered by the knowledge that he was in the best possible company.

Will Nudd was mighty of muscle, fierce of feature, and furious about his forge. Professor Paragon himself was apparently quietly confident, but nonetheless muttering in his beard and peering ahead through his telescope. And of course there was Umbrage, his eyes and hands everywhere controlling the great machine, with his pointy face full of fight. He was obviously eager to get to grips with the enemy, for as they entered the town he was singing to himself.

‘Out of the trees, down from the hill; we’re on the move, the men from the mill; and we’ll soon be at ’em, oh yes we will – and we’ll attack ’em and we’ll whack ’em while they’re yawning-o…’

‘Thank you Umbrage.’ said the Professor. ‘Admirable sentiments.’

Boswell smiled and tossed the shovel he had been using to stoke the boiler on to a sack in the corner of the cab.

‘Ouch!’ said the sack. Then Tom emerged from behind it.

‘You were supposed to go to the wood and join your parents.’ scolded Boswell.

‘Sorry sir.’ grinned Tom. ‘But I didn’t want to miss the fight, and I shan’t get in the way, and I’ll hide if I have to, and can I drive Berengaria now?’’

At first as Berengaria steamed and chugged into the town the streets seemed to be deserted. But then a solitary pirate, who had been hurt when a bell rolled over his foot at the forge, and was now posted as a lookout, limped from a shop doorway into the road and stared in amazement at the traction engine coming towards him.

He held up his hand as though ordering them to stop but of course they didn’t. He nearly got out of the way in time but wasn’t quite quick enough, particularly as Tom and Umbrage jerked the steering so that the edge of one of the huge rear wheels ran over the toes of his only good foot.

Tom was too short but the others popped their heads up over the sides of the cab and blew raspberries at him, leaving him hopping around the street in circles, first on one foot and then on the other, and shouting after them. ‘Ye swines, ye ! Get off the highway – you’re an effing menace! Have ye got an effing licence for that thing? Answer me, ye swines… Och, me footy… Och me other footy! Whateffer happened tae fighting fair?’

* * *

Elisabeth, with her invisible cloak, a comprehensive set of tools, and even more assorted signs, was at work in the lanes and byways towards, around, and about the Summerdale Towers area, continuing with her efforts to cruelly enrich Sir Jasper’s day.

Meanwhile Mr Bagley, by way of disguise, now had a drooping false moustache, a filthy floppy hat, and was wearing an ill fitting old green check suit much marked by its normal role as Mr Trundle’s working attire when milking and tending his cattle.

He was practising spitting, cursing, and generally behaving badly under Aunt Hetty’s tuition while they awaited the approach of the second band of pirates.

There was a cave set in a low cliff just where the road forked, Cuckoothwaite one way, Lower Rumble the other. Here Aunt Hetty, now clad totally in black with an old scarf tied round her head, had set up a stall just inside the entrance, above which hung a banner:

Bide a While Tea Rooms

Happy Hour by arrangement

Horace the donkey grazed quietly nearby, a steaming tea urn stood seductively at one side, trays of cakes and biscuits were temptingly laid out, and the smell of freshly baked bread rolls lay on the air.

As Rathbone’s pirates approached Aunt Hetty stepped into the road to greet them.

‘Welcome, welcome…’ she cackled. ‘My word, what a fine body of men.’

‘Who are you then?’ asked Rathbone, suspiciously.

‘They calls me the Black Hag of the Valley. Not nice, is it? Well, now you lot have come and taught ’em a lesson, haven’t you? Serve ’em right, says I. Least I can do is show my appreciation. Are you a bit peckish? Ready for a cuppa? I thought you might be. No need to pay me yet – I expect you’ll give me something later when you’ve finished your robbing. Form an orderly queue now, there’s good boys. My wicked, evil, and equally hated assistant will help serve you.’

Rathbone peered closely at Mr Bagley.

‘You look a bit like the one I trod on the other night.’

‘What, mate? Over Goldcaster way, mate?’ said Mr Bagley, as coarsely as he could. ‘That’ll be my cousin – Goody Goody Bagley, the Mayor, rot ‘im.’ He spat to one side for effect and was quite pleased with his increasing skill at salival projection. ‘Never done me no good turns. Cost me my job as gutter cleaner he did – just ‘cos I found a few fings and didn’t hand ‘em in. Well, fair enough, some fings weren’t actually in yer gutter – more inside yer open window and that, know what I mean? Nudge, nudge, wink, wink…. Still, family – could have got me off. Sugar with yer tea, mate? One lump or two mate? Six ? – right you are. NO! Don’t stand over there – cows went there, bit loose they were. Oh well, never mind, I expect it’ll brush off when it dries. Anyone for chocolate gateaux?

‘Got any shredded wheat? I ought to have more fibre in my diet, my mum says.’

‘Fibre, schmibre !’ said Aunt Hetty. ‘You’re not a nibbish are you? Get some hot sweet Jimson tea and a nice gooey cream cake down your gullet, lad. Now then, I expect you would like to know a more about what’s to be had around here? Gather round, and pay attention – I may ask questions later. Now, down this road is the Heritage Site. Very interesting, that is. There are large mounds of earth and hand crafts. They do demonstrations of grattock spinning, futtock nadgering, mud pie weaving, boredom by numbers. They’ve got a Slug-U-Like franchise, teach you all about woodlice, how to cook worms – most educational. No? Not to your taste?

Well, that only leaves Cuckoothwaite down that way. Basically it’s just a village full of scrunty beggars hovels. They had a plague of black shattered bowels down there recently – very contagious that is, carried in the air. Things fly up your nostrils, lurk about chewing on your innards, and then leave in a rush by an alternative route if you get my meaning? No? I think you’re wise – best give that a wide berth and head for the rich places on the road to Lower Rumble.’

‘Any problems likely down that way, Mother?’

‘Ah, isn’t that nice and polite? Well, you know what they say – every problem is really an opportunity, and there’s plenty of opportunities on the way to Lower Rumble, (some of them probably insoluble.) So good luck.. I expect that we will see you later, in fact I know we will. Best call in at the Lower Rumble School House when you get there. I’ll be waiting with some hot soup and friendly advice.’

* * *

Sir Jasper had come to a halt. Again.

All around the lush countryside shimmered in the autumn haze of a rather warm day. The ground hereabouts was rising, rolling meadowland with stream fringed fields below them, but above were bank upon bank of dense hedges, and copse beyond copse of woodland apparently to be negotiated before reaching any prospect of pillage worthy targets. The rutted lanes and wider rides clad the area like a demented spider’s web, but more often than not a glimpse of the tall towers of a building could be seen in the distance through the trees. The trouble was that it did not seem to be getting any closer.

This was largely due to Elisabeth’s way marking efforts. Half hidden by a hedge but wholly hidden by the cloak she was now crouched within fifteen feet of the pirate crew.

‘This map is useless !’ snarled Jasper. ‘It was perfectly accurate until we got into Summerdale. Now it bears no relation to the landscape at all. It had not been my intention to spend the rest of my natural life a-wandering around the empty realms of rough husbandry.’

‘ “To travel hopefully is better than to arrive.” ‘said Tantamount helpfully, still perched upon his shoulder.

‘No it festering isn’t! Now look, that must be Summerdale Towers – up there, through those trees. If we aim for that the gold mine the jewel cavern cannot be far away – heavens knows where Richpickings Farm got to.’

‘I got an idea, Captain.’

‘Do tell.’

‘Well, when we turned left three turnings back and came to that cross roads and turned right and then turned left again up that hill and then left again we was further away from them towers, so if we turn right and then go backwards down the hill turning right instead of left and then right again we should be nearer them shouldn’t we?’

‘Answer him, Archibald, you speak Gibberish.’

‘Dunno. It’s all up to you Captain. I’m only an alto. No one wants to listen to an alto…’

‘And I think it’s all very odd – funny things going on, I reckon.’

‘Oh yes.’ said Tantamount. ‘ “Alright. Have it your way, you heard a seal bark.” ‘

‘Pardon?’

‘ “The glitter, the tinsel, the heartbreak – that’s merchant banking for you…” ‘

‘Shut up Tantamount. (You’re losing it, aren’t you?) Now listen to me you left footed lot. I still have a remote hope that this day may not be solely given over to the botanical pleasures of rural perambulation… ‘

* * *

Berengaria rolled into the Market Square in Goldcaster where the Jolly Roger flag was now flying from the Town Hall. Two pirates were standing in the road with three more sitting at ease on the steps, waiting for their Quartermaster to come ashore and

oversee the work preparing the raft. They stared in amazement as the traction engine rumbled over the cobblestones towards them.

To the surprise of the Professor’s party they did not seem to realise that they were under any threat. Because of the armour they couldn’t see who was in the cab and they must have thought that this strange carriage had been captured by members of the raiding party, for as Berengaria approached the Town Hall the pirates strolled down the steps into the square, wide eyed with amazement. Two of the pirates had even left their muskets resting by the doors to the building.

As Umbrage brought the engine to a halt with squirts of steam hissing from the pistons, one of them came right up close to the cab.

‘What have we got here then, shipmates?’ he called out.

‘REVENGE!’ shouted Will Nudd as he threw open the cab door and banged the pirate on the head with Umbrage’s shovel.

‘That’ll teach you!’ shouted Tom.

The pirate slowly slumped to the ground and for a moment his mates stood still, shocked amazement on their faces as they realised the true situation.

‘Have at you sir!’ said Boswell, who had a catapult and let fly with a lump of coal at another villain near to the cab. The missile struck this pirate at short range right between the eyes and he too crumpled to the ground.

‘Two down – three to go!’ cried Professor Paragon, and the other pirates gave a roar of rage. The two who had left their guns by the Town Hall doors ran back for them, and the other one drew his pistol from his belt and fired at the cab.

Too late. The door had been slammed shut and the balls from both barrels of his pistol thudded harmlessly into the wooden armour.

‘Provoke them!’ hissed the Professor.

‘What?’ said Will Nudd.

‘Provoke them. Make them fire the other guns. Then Barney and the others can attack them before they have time to re-load…’

‘Ah. Right…’nodded Will, then shouted at the pirates; ‘Come on then, you swill bellies – let’s be having you!’

‘Lily livered louts!’ called Boswell.

‘Despicable scroats!’ taunted Will.

‘Degenerate rabble!’ thundered the Professor.

‘Codshead loobies!’ shrieked Umbrage.

‘Scurvy sneaksbies! Carrion eaters! Stoat breathed toad servers!…’

‘Slipshod caffards! Lobdoodles! Scrottle lashers! Haddock eyed hog bottoms!’

‘Bum faces!’ shouted Tom. ‘I bet you can’t even swim!’

The pirates were really quite upset.

The other two muskets were fired blindly at the cab and then they all beat uselessly at the armour with their cutlasses.

At that moment, just as the Professor had hoped, while these pirates were enraged and had not had time to re-load, into the Market Square came thundering Barney’s heavy cavalry and foot soldiers.

Easily outnumbering the pirates, they quickly overcame them and took away their weapons.

Berengaria’s crew all cheered, but then Tom called out from the cab – ‘Look out Barney! – Look out behind you!’

The pirate who had been hit on the head with the shovel had regained consciousness, had drawn an unfired pistol from his belt, and was now aiming it right at Barney’s heart.

It seemed as though time had almost stopped still. Horrified, they all saw the pirate’s evil leer, his finger tightening on the trigger, the hammer rising as the pistol was about to fire, the flint striking the steel, the sparks falling into the pan…

Then there was the gentle tinkling sound once again and a golden glow all around them as Professor Paragon rang Miss Minima.

There was the flash and the smoke from the pirate’s pistol… but it didn’t go “Bang!” – It went “Pop!”, the barrel drooped, and the pistol ball merely dropped out on to the cobblestones, where, to everyone’s amazement, it immediately grew tiny little legs and scuttled away down the gutter.

Aboard the Black Leopard Luther Speke was about to come ashore with Steelclaw Hawkins and Blackheart Luke. As yet they were unaware of the action fought in the Market Square. The warehouses, ships chandlers, inns, and other buildings along the quay obscured their view. Only the very top of the Town Hall roof with its flagpole was visible from the ship, and the Skull and Crossbones was still flying, for Professor Paragon rather hoped to add to his captives, and was wondering how long he would have to wait for more pirates to leave the ship. All was going remarkably well, and he felt that everything was running according to plan so far.

But high up in the hills to the south a bedraggled figure stumbled up towards the pass that led back to Summerdale. Nathan Boon had returned from seeking help earlier than expected. But alone…

Author of Dangerous Chimes, read more about Michael Macauley over here.

The Sign—Jasper and the crew set off to plunder Summerdale

Although the other members of their party at the water mill managed to snatch a few hours sleep, Professor Paragon, Doctor Johnson, and James Boswell had little rest.

This day could bring success or disaster. Had they thought of everything? Elisabeth and Mr Bagley had fully understood what the Professor wanted Aunt Hetty to do, and her agreement had been swift and to the point. They looked again at the message brought by Malin late last night.

“Alfred. The girl says I should thank you for the supplies. Alright, Ta. But don’t get carried away. Specially if you get them bells ringing. And hurry up with that. I want my broomstick working again. And I want two gulls. And tell me when the pirates are coming up into Summerdale.”

As the day dawned the first shift of the Gullnet was soon operational. Shannon had been sent to fly over Goldcaster, and as the sky started to lighten he returned to the mill with the news that the pirates were assembling, and more gulls took to the air to provide a steady flow of information.

The Professor’s party all waited anxiously with Berengaria fired up and ready, little wisps of steam rising into the air and a mere trickle of smoke coming from her chimney.

Barney, with Rockall on his shoulder, went to hide in the trees where they could see the road. The others could only wait and wonder. As the pirate gang marched from the town up into the valley would Sir Jasper want to visit the mill again? Or would he be eager to get as far and as fast as possible up into Summerdale to rob the farms and cottages that they had not reached in the earlier attack?

 The pirate expedition had formed up at the edge of Goldcaster. They had two horse drawn carts and several trolleys, and some of them were carrying pipes and drums that they had taken from the Goldcaster Band store in the Town Hall. Jasper was mounted on a sprightly white stolen stallion and Tantamount was perched upon his shoulder.

‘Right. Let’s have the band in the front. Is everybody ready?’

‘I thought the Quartermaster would be with us Cap’n?’

‘Mr Speke is in charge of our interests in my absence. He will be constructing a raft and getting the bells aboard’

‘So he’s looking after all the booty we’ve got so far?’

‘Yes Archibald, he is. And as Purser you will be aware that he will receive a substantial share of whatever we acquire today and so is unlikely to sail away, even if he had an adequate crew which he hasn’t because most of you are with me, and even if he was not the loyal comrade that we all know and love. Satisfied?’

‘Of course Cap’n. Never gave him sailing off a thought.’

‘Good. Any other problems?’

‘I still think I’ve got my hay fever coming on.’

‘I keep telling you Clarence, there is no pollen about at the end of September, so just stop that sniffing. Right – off we go… What on earth..?’

A ramshackle, shabbily clad, mouldering figure, like some ape creature from the Pleistocene, had plunged out of the hedge and into the road in front of Jasper, one scrawny hand holding a dog-eared card raised as if to halt the pirate crew, the other clutching a battered bucket containing a rusty shovel.

‘WHO THE DEVIL ARE YOU?’

‘I’m Morlock the Scavenger. See?’ it said.

Jasper peered in disbelief at the card.

 

Amalgamated Union of Cast-Off Gatherers,

Snappers Up of Unconsidered trifles,

Excrement Removers, and Allied Trades.

‘We strike by night and shift the shite’

No Job too Big – No Morsel too small

 

‘I ‘as my abode and place of business in a hole behind the Conservative Club, that empty abandoned building by the rubbish tip which no-one now frequents.’

‘How come that we have not encountered you before, if you have not fled the town?’

‘Well, I’m not all that sociable. People tend to shy away, so I keeps meself to meself and just flits about at night mainly, undertaking my tasks wiv sensitivity, so as not to unduly disturb the residents.’

‘Pray tell, privy breath –what do you want?’

That…’ said the creature, pointing at the fresh and steaming manure in the centre of the road behind Jasper’s horse. With two skilful scoops he harvested his prize, then leered his sharney face confidentially up at Jasper.

‘ ‘Er’s easier to gather when ‘er aint been flattened.’ His malodorous breath indeed came straight from Satan’s soakaway and Jasper reeled away in revulsion.

‘Do you mean to tell me that you stopped us just for a pile of horse droppings?’ he spluttered.

‘It may be only a load of horse shit to you, matey, but it’s bread and butter to me.’ said the squalid humanoid.

Jasper had a thought. ‘I suppose you empty the Town Hall facilities, do you?’

‘Has been known. Why?’

‘You don’t happen to have a spare key to the cellars do you?’

‘What Guv? Me Guv? No Guv. Must be off…’

‘GRAB HIM!’

But Morlock was gone, over the ditch and back through the hedge, cackling to himself as he vanished in the undergrowth, and leaving an acrid aroma lingering behind.

‘It increasingly looks as though your theory about the last escape was correct Rathbone.’ sighed Jasper. ‘Still, we must get on…’

‘ “This dunghill groom hath much abused the day with such a blasting and so scandalous a breath.” ‘said Tantamount.

‘Very true.’ snapped Jasper. ‘Now can we please proceed? Right, after me, strike up the band, as we rehearsed, er-one, er-two, er-three…’

Two hundred years away Roy Orbison started turning in his grave.

‘Pretty Pirate…

WALKING UP THE STREET!

Pretty Pirate…

HE’S NOT ONE YOU’D WANT TO MEET!

They don’t love him any more…

He’s not welcome when ashore…’

Boom, boom-boom,

Toot-toot, toot-toot.

Boom, boom-boom,

Toot-toot, toot-toot…

 

‘Come on, you can do better than that.’ shouted Jasper. ‘Sing with gusto.’

‘Who’s Gusto then?’

‘Never mind! Keep at it.’

‘Didn’t know you was an alto, Archibald?’

‘Ooh-ar, Jim lad.’

‘You’re in the wrong key, Rathbone.’

‘Can’t help it. One of my holes is blocked.’

‘Eustace – you’d sound better if you used both drumsticks.’

‘Need one hand for enemy. Enemy jump out on you. Enemy could be behind them trees…’

‘Alright, alright. Shut up and sing, the lot of you!’

‘I can’t sing and shut up.’

‘I can’t sing and blow.’

‘I’ll shut up if he stops singing.’

‘I’ll sing if he shuts up – very sensitive we altos are.’

‘Oh, for heavens sake – just play the music and march. All I want is a bit of style, a bit of panache… And stop sniffing, Clarence.’

(‘Do they grow that round here then?’

 ‘What?’

‘That Panash stuff he’s talking about..’

‘Dunno. Never tried it. Columbian Gold, yes, Moroccan Corduroy, certainly, but yer Panash, no, never done that…’)

 ‘Right.’ said Morlock to Malin behind the hedge. ‘Message for the Prof: Thirty one pirates – every shade and colour, two horse drawn carts, three hand pulled trolleys, one parrot, and a poncey toff on a horse. Off you flits matey.’

On his way to the mill Malin swooped down from the sky to where Barney was hiding with Rockall.

‘They’re coming ! They are coming up the road now – the whole lot of them !’

Well, not quite. But certainly two thirds of the crew were on this expedition and, to his astonishment, twenty minutes later Barney could hear music before they came into view. He thought they were a pretty villainous bunch of rogues, a few of them even looking quite fierce and determined, but perhaps not the pipers who were already rather red in the face.

 As they drew level with the track that led to the river the gang came to a halt. They were going to come to the mill again… Or perhaps not. Although Barney could not hear clearly what was being said, it was obvious that some sort of argument was taking place. Some pirates were pointing up the mill track, and others were shaking their heads and pointing up the valley.

Jasper had not stopped, but when he realised what was happening he wheeled his horse around and trotted back to his crew.

‘Oh dear me. We seem to have halted again. Do we have a problem?’

‘Er, we, that is some of us, well, only one or two actually, er, we thought there might still be something worth having at that mill place.’

‘The one that was visited before?’

‘Er, yes…’

‘The mill I was assured had been ransacked and burn down?’

‘Er, yes, that one.’

‘The place from which anything worth having had been taken – even if you couldn’t quite manage a bale or two of mouldy flour?’

‘Er, well, of course, Captain, I remembers now.’

‘Oh, don’t let me influence you unduly, but it does cross the mind that in the time available to us it might perhaps be more beneficial to investigate premises pristine, unblemished, and brimful of booty, rather than those that have already been looted, are empty, and indeed have been burnt to the ground?’

‘Er, well, if you put it that way. Oh, Gawd…’

Even at a distance Barney could see the pirate Captain’s anger as he struck at some of the men with his whip and urged them on up into Summerdale.

Rockall flew back over the trees with the good news that the mill was not to be re-visited, and then he and Malin left to join Aunt Hetty.

As the pirates passed out of view up the road into Summerdale, Professor Paragon, on the Berengaria battlebus with Boswell, Umbrage, and Will Nudd, and Barney’s brigade with him mounted on a pony and leading the plodding cavalry and two dozen men on foot, emerged from the trees and set off at last for Goldcaster.

* * *

Summerdale sat peacefully in the late autumn sunshine.

Now was the time of mellow richness, now ripeness lay on the land, now blackberry hedges were full of fruit, apples and pears hung heavily from orchard boughs, the harvest was gathered in, and the whole area was about to be horribly despoiled.

Or was it?

Sir Jasper and his eager thieves had come to a halt where the road forked. He was studying a map and trying to relate it to what was shown on a large signpost that stood at the junction.

It was obviously a very important signpost, an ambitious signpost, hard working, and well advanced in its career as a Tourist Information Centre. In fact above the hedge no part of the post was without some sort of sign.

Up the narrower lane to the right apparently could be found:

 

Summerdale Towers – Stately Home and Health Hydro

Richpickings Farm

Gold Mine and Jewel Cavern

Nature Trail

Viewpoint and Picnic Site

Dunplundering – Bed and Breakfast – Two Star

(Clean Sheets)

 

Whilst to the left the main road lead to:

 

Tumblegill Mill

Hogweed House

Cuckoothwaite

Heritage Site and Visitor Centre

Lower Rumble

Garden of Earthly Delights

Arndale Centre Shopping Mall:

(Rare Antiques, Silks, Satins,

Designer Wear, Jewellery)

Customs Office and Bonded Warehouse

 

And pointing back down the road up which they had marched the sign read:

 

Hungry and Thirsty?

Try the Toad and Turnip Inn

One and a Half Miles back

Pub Grub and Fine Ales

Open all day

Pity you passed us

 

‘Where was that then?’

‘I never saw no Inn.’

‘I could do with some grub – didn’t have no time for breakfast.’

‘Shut up! Half the places aren’t on this map – it must be out of date. We will separate now and forage in two groups. It is not my intention to wurdle around all day aimlessly. ‘

‘I expect you’ll deal with the gold mine and the jewel cavern will you, Captain ?’

‘Yes.’

‘We thought you might.’

‘And why not pray? You do recall that we share everything, don’t you?’

‘Oh, yes, Cap’n, of course. Everything… that we know about.’

‘And I shall give the Nature Trail a miss, if that’s alright with you? Oh, good. So reassuring to have the support of one’s colleagues. I shall take a dozen men, one cart, and one trolley. Rathbone, you take the rest down this road to the left and attack these other places. Right, men – we’ll meet in Lower Rumble village at 1300 hours.’

‘Pardon?’

‘One o’clock.’

‘Oh. Ooo-ar. Right Cap’n. Dinner time then.’

‘Lunchtime for civilised persons.’

‘Whatever. We’ll be there.’

‘There’s those seagulls again, sitting on that signpost.’ said Rathbone. ‘They’re getting on my nerves. Got a knowing sort of look they have. Now one’s flown off but the other one’s still watching us…’

Author of Dangerous Chimes, read more about Michael Macauley over here.

Sir Jasper’s plans

Watched by Tantamount Jasper was in his cabin adding some recent acquisitions to the contents of his treasure chest. He was carefully placing some of Rowley Buckram’s porcelain beneath the collection of wigs and clothes for all occasions, and musing on his future.

The day had hardly gone well, and so much could depend upon the success of this venture. If only he had been able to utilise the haul taken from that Frenchman things would be so very different…

Three years before the Black Leopard had been surprised by a fast French naval frigate in rough weather near the Scilly Isles. Fortunately both Jasper and his First Mate were familiar with those treacherous waters and so were able to avoid action and possible capture. The other vessel struck a reef at high tide close to a deserted island and went down with all hands. When the storm eased and the tide was low Jasper and his crew were able to plunder the wreck. The vessel had been carrying arms and bullion destined for the American Colonists, and the Captain’s share was substantial.

In the guise of a merchantman the Leopard put into the Devon harbour of Aldhaven to refit and celebrate for a few days. Jasper had hoped to bank his specie, but he was betrayed by local smugglers and had to hide and abandon that particular treasure when escaping. Perhaps some day he might find a way to retrieve it but it was still far too early to return, even in disguise.

The prospect of obtaining a ransom for Doctor Johnson and James Boswell was fraught with difficulty. From the outset he had proposed that course in order to justify the saving of their lives. The murder of such prominent citizens would have caused an international outrage so great that he and the crew would have been in peril wherever they went. Privately he was inclined, once this current operation was over, to put them safely ashore somewhere as a gesture of goodwill, with a view to possible favourable future witness if ever needed.

No, the gold from the bells was essential, not just to keep the crew content, but to complete the necessary funding to enable one to embark upon any mid life career move. And even if resources became sufficient there was so much more to consider before one could actively retire from piracy without being hung.

‘How pleasant a more settled life might be, would it not, Sir Tantamount? Music, the theatre, intelligent sociability, perhaps feminine company to share one’s maturing years.’

‘ “He perceives perhaps a hunger for something more than sin?” ‘

‘Yes, indeed. It would be nice to have a manor house… Herby gardens, bowers, arbours. Seats surrounded by sweet fragrances and bird song, sheep grazing beyond the ha-ha…’

‘ “The moan of doves in immemorial elms, and the murmuring hum of innumerable bees.” ‘

‘Just so – to have the life of a squire of the shires – but then, what shire? Or possibly to be occupied with some stress free enterprise and recreation suitable for a gentleman of the eighteenth century mode, as a man about town and an intellectual savant…’

‘ “He spends a while at chess, and a while with pleasant harping, and a further while a-wooing and a-winning lovely women…” ‘

‘If only. But then securely residing in what town, and safely frequenting what salon? Or should I try and settle somewhere outlandish where the climate and opportunities were not only congenial but one would be unlikely to be known or discovered? New Holland? Baja California? Chipping Sodbury?’

‘ “I will arise and go now, and go to Innisfree, and a small cabin build there, of clay and wattles made. Nine bean rows will I have there, a hive for the honey bee, and live alone there shall I, live in the bee loud glade.” ‘

‘Well, perhaps not quite like that. I would rather prefer somewhere more like this. How ironic – Summerdale would have been ideal.’ Jasper sighed and pondered. But what about the crew, particularly those members for whom he had particular regard and affection? Ideally he would want to be assured that they especially were safe and secure. Some of the rest were feckless, without much thought for the future, and would take to whatever was on offer or sail with whoever replaced him, even if that was the Quartermaster. The two worst cut throats could go hang, and probably would do so eventually anyway, but if Speke was ever captured he would probably turn King’s Evidence to save his neck. Any plans for a quiet and comfortable life and its possible location must certainly be totally secret.

He had picked up and was thumbing through The Gentleman’s Magazine Travel Supplement Special, when there came a knock upon the cabin door.

‘Wait a moment.’ he called, and dropped the journal back into the chest, which he pushed temporarily under his desk and covered with a damask cloth, before opening the door.

It was the First Mate.

‘Yes?’

‘Er, about the second escape…’ said Rathbone bravely. ‘I know how you feel, but thought you might be able to discuss it more, er, calmly now?’

‘Don’t you believe it.’

‘Well, perhaps not. But I’ve had an idea about it…’

‘Have you now?’

‘Yes. And I’ve discussed it with Speke and he agrees with me.’

‘Oh, how gratifying – unity amongst the afflicted.’

‘No need to be like that Sir J.’

‘I apologise Rathbone. It’s been another difficult day. Pray continue.’

‘Well, if we go back to the first escape…’

‘Must we?’

‘I think so. We had thought that the bookseller, being a prominent citizen, might have a had a duplicate key. Well, on reflection, I think that unlikely. I mean, he might have had a key to the Town Hall, or perhaps to an office in it, or maybe to the Council Chamber, but he wouldn’t have keys to everywhere, would he? And certainly not to an empty cellar. And if he did have a great bunch of official keys he would hardly carry them with him all the time, certainly not when about to confront a bunch of pirates…

‘Ummm… You have a point.’

‘But there is someone who would have Town Hall keys, perhaps even a master key.’

‘Who?’

‘The Mayor. And he got away.’

‘Of course!  But he was rather fat and hardly spry…’

‘He could have given a master key to someone smaller and spryer. And the first escape was in the dark and most of the crew were drunk and useless after midnight.’

‘And what about today’s debacle?’

‘Same key? Same bloke? Shuffle out of the woods in disguise, lift the prisoners, hide ‘em away until nightfall, and then off out again through the back alleys? Otherwise they’d have to have become invisible!’ laughed Rathbone.

‘I’m not prepared to believe in magic yet, no, I do believe you’re right, Rathbone. But the rescuer would have to be a brave man. And how would he know where the prisoners were housed? Are we being watched, and if so from where and when? I’m getting decidedly twitchy.. But even though with the prisoners escaped any opposition in hiding is likely to withdraw further to safety, in future guards will have to be much more alert.’

‘I agree Captain. Er, mind if I make a suggestion?’

‘What?’

‘That high value chest – it’s not quite covered over.’

‘Ah. Thank you Rathbone.’

‘And pardon me for saying, it shouldn’t be out at all, not with the cabin door unlocked. Anyone might burst in, drunk and forgetting their manners, see all on display and than start shouting the odds between decks. We’ve all got our sea chests or our gear stowed away, but the sight of one that size, with all the padlocks and shackles, could give rose to all sorts of envious cogitation.’

‘Dear me, to add to the delights of the day I’m to be favoured with a lecture as well, am I?’

‘Only thinking of your interests Captain. And to a degree mine of course, what with you having my Maria Theresa dollars safely stowed as well. Only you and I know the real worth of what’s locked away in that handsome bit of luggage. That two hundred carat hat, for instance…’

‘The Spanish Queen’s tiara? Yes, indeed. And there are some quite nice pieces layered beneath the bullion.’

‘ “Quite nice pieces?” There’s enough jewels in that chest to fit out a Sultan’s harem. The Quartermaster would have a seizure if he knew how much you had put by before he joined us in ’79’

‘Point taken Mr Mate. Where would I be without you?’

Listening outside the cabin door Luther Speke ground his teeth and clenched his fists. Having had a lifelong experience of the practice of duplicity, he counted slowly to twenty then knocked on the door.

‘Ah, Mr Speke. Come in, come in… Rathbone and I were just discussing arrangements for tomorrow.’

‘My priority as well, Captain.’

‘I was about to seek you out, but with your usual reliability you are to hand when most appropriately needed…’

‘My constant endeavour is to serve as efficiently as possible.’

‘That is so true, Mr Speke. A most valued talent for our tasks.’

‘Well, with such leadership Captain, it behoves us all to give of our best.’

‘And your particular contribution is most highly valued.’

‘Can we get on?’ asked Rathbone. ‘My platitude tolerance budget is rapidly running out. I’d rather like to get some shut-eye tonight.’

‘Very well.’ said Jasper. ‘As you know, it became apparent this morning that despite our vast and collective experience we here lack the slightest competence required to remove a soft metal from a harder one. We are now therefore obliged to carry the complete bells off so that we can elsewhere utilise or construct better facilities for the task, probably involving a furnace as well as a forge.’

‘Or maybe to sell them intact?’ said Speke. ‘To some greedy potentate unaware of their peculiar problems?’

‘Very possibly. But we need a strong raft to get them across to the Leopard, and so the plan was to send the girl to get enough labour to fell sufficient trees and make the raft during this past afternoon, the safety of the boy being the incentive.’

‘A very good plan it was too, Captain.’ said Rathbone. ‘But what have we got? We’ve got no incentive, no labour, no logs, and no raft. And we’ve also got crew that are – how can I put it – not best pleased with the bell work, and itching to get up the valley and get their hands on some easier plunder.’

‘Exactly. And who can blame them. I’m itching in that direction myself. Now Mr Speke has pointed out that whilst no single small vessel available to us would be adequate to carry the bells, if we could lash together our longboat and the harbour tender we could cover them with planking and in effect have the strong and buoyant raft that we require.’

‘Sound idea.’ said Rathbone. ‘You could use floor boards for the planks. Shouldn’t be too difficult to get them up.’

‘While you and the Captain are stripping the valley I’ll get that under way.’ said Speke. I’ll only need the skeleton crew guarding the town for the job. We might be able to get the raft sorted and the bells aboard by the time you return. Soon rig the derricks on the Leopard. I’ve got most of the tackle we’ve been using back in place already. Sail off on Saturday with a bit of luck.’

‘I’m most gratified by your enthusiasm Mr Speke.’

‘I shall strive earnestly to implement this plan.’

‘I have every confidence in you.’

‘You can be sure of my best very best endeavours.’

‘Please…’ said Rathbone. ‘Are we done?’

Author of Dangerous Chimes, read more about Michael Macauley over here.

Return of the Prisoners

Tom and Elisabeth greatly regretted having to leave Tantamount behind. But it would not have been possible to walk tightly wrapped together in an invisible cloak with holes in it, and carry a large chair to which a parrot was chained, without arousing suspicion that something vaguely unusual was taking place.

It had been difficult enough moving at all without treading on each others feet, and even with Rockall flying ahead to warn them of any particular danger, it had taken them nearly an hour just to reach the outskirts of Goldcaster. And it had been impossible to be certain that no bits of either of them were showing as they tottered on their way through the relatively unfrequented back alleys and the byways of the plundered town.

Several times pirates had rubbed their eyes, shook their heads, and then closely examined the walls or fences which Tom and Elisabeth had passed. Still, Elisabeth had thought, it all added to the general atmosphere of strangeness and could only help in the long run. As long as they could avoid being caught again.

But they had at last escaped into the countryside. Still clutching the cloak in case of danger they made their way onwards through the surrounding trees alongside the road that lead up into Summerdale, and to the track that would eventually take them to the Mill.

‘Should they not be here by now?’ asked Boswell.

Mr Bagley drew his fob watch from his waistcoat pocket, examined it, shook it, examined it again and sighed. He turned to Fastnet. ‘Are we sure that nothing has happened to them?’

‘Malin saw them leave. Well, he saw a hand waving to him in the empty street behind the Town hall. And Cromarty saw the hand waving again near the rose garden and four feet shuffling past a pirate who was fishing from the river bridge.’

‘I had better scry in the crystal again.’ said Professor Paragon. ‘Although if they are under the cloak they will be hard to find. They won’t be waving now.’

‘Oh yes they will!’

Standing in the huge doorway of the Mill barn was the tiny figure of Tom, waving both his arms and grinning widely. Elisabeth came in behind him, smiling happily, with Rockall perched on her shoulder. ‘Good afternoon.’ she said. ‘Are we too late for lunch?’

* * *

There was yet another explosion at Will Nudd’s forge. Part of the front wall crumbled, sparks shot out into the street, and through the smoke drifting across the pavement stumbled a pirate, scarred and charred, and clutching his head.

‘The Bells!, the Bells!…’ he cried, as he staggered away.

‘What’s occurring?’ asked the ship’s Cook as he met another pirate nearby.

‘Same as yesterday. We got the biggest bell down at last – a right bugger that one, but the Captain’s doing his pieces still. He’s gone to the harbour to see if there are any boats strong enough to take those bells across to the old Leopard – seeing as how no way can they melt ’em.’

‘Don’t reckon they’re going about it the right way. These modern villains got no staying power.’

‘Very true. Can’t get the staff nowadays.’

‘Remember old Scorcher?’

‘Who?’

‘Scorcher Rumbold. Big bloke, one eye, no brain, do anything…’

‘Or anyone.’

‘That’s him.’

‘Could have been a contender, old Scorcher.’

‘Wouldn’t let the odd singeing stop him.’

‘He’d have had them bells melted in no time – not afraid of a bit of fire, old Scorcher.’

‘Loved the stuff, flames and that…’

‘Burned everything he could get hold of – pyro – wossname, maniac.’

‘If he’d been here today he’d have sorted this lot.’

‘Man and yob, playing with fire, all the time…’

‘Never did him no harm.’

‘Whatever happened to ‘im?’

‘Blew hisself up.’

‘Oh, well, there you go. This seagull’s a bit cheeky ain’t he? Get out of it !’

***

Elisabeth was almost overwhelmed by the warmth, relief, and affection occasioned by their return.

Doctor Johnson lumbered over to her, grasped both her hands in his, bestowed a kiss upon her forehead, scooped up Tom, hugged him, and sat him up on the front axle housing of Berengaria. Professor Paragon and Mr Bagley and Boswell and Barney and Umbrage all bustled about them, shaking their hands and ruffling their hair, and Will Nudd, covered once again with smuts and charcoal dust, came over from his makeshift forge, a hammer in one hand and rivets in the other.

‘We was that worried about you and young Tom, Miss Elisabeth.’

‘Well, we could not have escaped without the Professor’s cloak and the help of the seagulls. I understand that you are in charge of this very effective Gullnet, Fastnet?’

‘Thank you Miss E. One does one’s best.’

‘Fastnet is the Wing Commander.’ said Mr Bagley. ‘That seemed an appropriate title.’

‘They have got the great bell down now and at the forge, but still can’t melt off the gold from any of them.’ said Fastnet.

This is what I had anticipated.’ said the Professor. ‘It will take more than hot fire and hard work to get that gold off. It was cast with dwarf craftsmanship and sealed on with secret spells.’

Elisabeth told the Professor that Sir Jasper was planning to come back up into the valley the next morning, not with a small band as before, but with as many of the crew as possible to get as much booty as they could.

‘We thought that would happen. Now the bells are at last in his hands, even if the gold is still on them, the crew will want a break and the chance of more booty.’

‘We know what is happening in Goldcaster.’ said Boswell. ‘But should we not try and see if Mr Buckram is returning with help?’

‘I don’t think we could expect any sign of him yet.’ said Mr Bagley.

‘But a routine check would be wise.’ said the Professor. ‘Fastnet – would you be kind enough to send a gull to the southern pass, perhaps twice a day?’

‘What is the plan now?’ asked Elisabeth.

‘Now you are safe and we are reasonably sure of Sir Jasper’s intentions, I think we should proceed as we originally intended.’ said Boswell.

‘I agree.’ said the Professor. ‘Tomorrow, when they come past us into Summerdale we should attack the pirates in Goldcaster with Berengaria from one direction, with the rest of us approaching from another.’

‘But what about the farms in Summerdale?’ asked Mr Bagley. ‘Is there nothing we can do to stop the devils?’

‘We must use our resources carefully.’ said Doctor Johnson. ‘Even with those who have joined us we are relatively few compared to them.’

‘We may be able to frighten them a little.’ said the Professor. ‘Yes, and delay them by apparently natural means until we have at least one of the bells ringing. I must check to see that nothing untoward is happening.’ He placed his great green crystal on a table and passed his hands a few times over it. Looking down they saw it cloudy at first and then the clouds parted, and there was Goldcaster, with pirates scurrying to and fro and much activity near Will Nudd’s forge. The view changed gradually to the outskirts of the town and then up into Summerdale where all was peaceful.

‘Umm…’said the Professor. ‘All appears as one would expect. But wait a minute – what is this?’

The crystal had clouded again, but then suddenly little pinpricks of different coloured lights fizzed all over its surface. Then it cleared once more to reveal a rather mature lady, wearing a large floral bonnet and a lace edged gingham dress under a flowing black cloak, with a toad on her left shoulder, riding on a donkey laden with all sorts of packages including, yes – a broomstick, trotting down the road from the mountains into Summerdale in the afternoon sunshine.

‘It’s my Aunt Hetty!‘ exclaimed the Professor. ‘What on earth is she doing here? She must have called my teleflower and heard my message.’

As he spoke the witch reined her donkey to a halt and looked around suspiciously. Then she reached into her cloak and took out her own crystal ball. She breathed on it, spat on it, and rubbed it briskly with her sleeve. She must have seen them because she nodded her head, almost smiled, and raised one hand in greeting. Her face was rather lined, with a hooked nose, and piercing eyes. She appeared to be talking into her crystal, but very little could be heard, and the Professor shook his head sadly.

‘We are so short of power.’ he said. ‘I must write down what I want her to know.’

He took a notebook from his pocket, tore out a sheet and on it wrote – WE CANNOT HEAR YOU, and showed this to his crystal.

Any vestige of Aunt Hetty’s smile immediately vanished.

‘I think she’s saying “Why not?” ‘suggested Elisabeth.

‘Yes,’ muttered the Professor. ‘I’m sure she is.’

He wrote a further message – THERE IS NOT ENOUGH POWER.

The witch appeared to be shouting something.

‘What was that?’ asked Boswell.

‘I think that she said “Incompetence” ‘ suggested Elisabeth

‘Umm…’ grunted the Professor. ‘I believe she did.’

‘What is she saying now?’ asked Tom.

‘Er, something about inefficiency, I think, and how she got the flower message and has come to help.’ said Elisabeth. ‘She’s speaking very slowly and deliberately, isn’t she?… “And what about my broomstick? Don’t know what things are coming to – can’t leave you alone for five minutes…” ‘

‘Yes, yes, yes…’ said Professor Paragon briskly. ‘It’s obvious that we can’t communicate like this.’

He rapidly wrote another message – I WILL ARRANGE FOR SOMEONE TO MEET YOU.

‘What did she say then?’ asked Mr Bagley.

‘ “Where?” I think.’ said Boswell.

‘She said more than that.’ said Elisabeth, stifling a giggle.

‘Well, er, yes… Something like “You nincompoop” possibly.’ suggested Boswell.

‘Never mind that.’ said the Professor crossly, hurriedly scribbling yet another message – I WILL SEND A SEAGULL TO FRODLEY FARM WITH LATEST NEWS.

Aunt Hetty appeared to exclaim ‘A Seagull!’ and she raised her eyes to the sky. Then she turned to the toad on her shoulder and as the crystal clouded over Elisabeth was pretty certain that she was saying ‘Did you hear that? A seagull – he’s reduced to seagulls already? I could have had a lawyer for a nephew, a doctor, even an accountant maybe. Huh! What have I got?  A magician is what I’ve got! And not just any magician, but a magician without magic! I ask you – I should be so lucky…’

‘Was that lady really a witch?’asked Rockall, his eyes wide and his feathers twitching.

‘Oh yes.’ said Barney. ‘She’s the full Aunty alright.’

‘Well, yes, she is quite powerful.’ sniffed the Professor. ‘She could certainly be useful tomorrow – provided she’s properly briefed and doesn’t overreach herself. Now who can we send to tell her our plans…’

‘I’ll go.’ said Rockall. ‘I’ve heard a lot about the lady – they say she’s very fond of animals.’

‘Oh yes – Very fond.’ grunted Umbrage. ‘She’ll turn people into ’em if they so much as argue with her.’

‘No, no, no.’ said the Professor. ‘She’s not as harsh as that. Well, only sometimes.’

Author of Dangerous Chimes, read more about Michael Macauley over here.

The Prisoners Escape

Rockall had by now found all his seagull cousins and brought them back to the Mill to be briefed by Fastnet. Besides Rockall and Bailey, there were Biscay and Shannon, Viking and Malin, and Cromarty, Lundy, Portland and Wight, all eager to help again. (Heligoland was useless as usual, he was away fishing.) By the time Tom and Elisabeth were being rowed across the harbour the Gullnet was fully operational, circling high above them, and well aware of their situation.

A seagull was now tapping at the little street level window of the cellar.  Tom and Elisabeth quickly pushed the table underneath, climbed up, opened it, and let him in through the bars.

‘Whatcha mates. I’m Malin, Flight Sergeant, me. Number Three in the Gullnet Team. That’s your message service, missus, set up by the Doc. He is a one, ain’t he ? – wise as an owl they say, well, some of them. Mind you, I ain’t too keen on taking orders from Fastnet all the time. I’m not your natural minion, me. Still, it takes all sorts, don’t it? Where was I?’

Tantamount was amazed at how easily the seagull and the children spoke with each other, exchanging information and discussing what should be done.

‘Not allowed! Parrot’s prerogative. Whence is thy learning? Hath thy toil over books consumed the midnight oil?”. Never known such times. Where the what, and whence the why and wherefore?’

‘It’s alright, Tantamount,’ said Elisabeth, stroking him gently. ‘Even though seagulls and humans can talk to each other in this region, none of them could possibly be as wise or as learned as you.’

Tantamount sniffed. “Rude am I in my speech and little blessed.”

‘Oh, no you’re not.’ said Tom. ‘You’re a brilliant parrot – I wish that you lived with us.’

‘Amazing, er, creature,’ squawked Malin helpfully. ‘King of the birds, no question.’

‘There’s so much that we could learn from you.’ said Elisabeth.

‘ “Her voice was ever soft, an excellent thing in a woman.” ‘ said Tantamount, more cheerfully.

‘The thing is,’ said Elisabeth, ‘We must escape somehow, and if you like, we’ll try and take you with us.’

‘How can we possibly escape?’ asked Tom.

‘I have a cunning plan, now that Malin and the Gullnet know where we are.’ said Elisabeth. ‘Are you with us, Tantamount?’

‘With you?. I’d be ahead of you if I wasn’t shackled. “Strike off the fetters, Finnegan.” Leave him behind?. Oh, yes, I’ll show him now. “How go you, wench?” ‘

‘Tom and I make ourselves invisible, get a pirate to open the door, then slip away, taking you with us if we can.’

‘Oh, well –“Mock on, mock on.” ’ sighed Tantamount. ‘ “Here I and sorrow sit together, hopes raised then dashed, and all is desolation still.” ‘

‘I’m serious.’ said Elisabeth. ‘Aren’t I Tom?’

Tom was grinning, but then looked doubtful. ‘But its got a lot of holes in it.’

‘It’s only got to cover us, not two full grown people.’

‘You’re full grown even if you are thin.’

‘I am not thin. I am slim, but not too tall, and in fact perfectly proportioned.’

‘Apart from the bumps in the front.’

‘Don’t be vulgar Tom. Anyway, if we wrap it around us twice we should be alright.’

Malin and Tantamount looked at each other and then shook their heads sadly.

‘Have your lot been feeding them properly?’ asked Malin. ‘No funny mushrooms or any such?’

‘On the contrary,’ said Tantamount. ‘Tender loving care all the way…I expect it’s being locked up – “Shades of the prison house begin to close upon the growing boy”, and girl as well in this case, of course.’

‘Be quiet, you two.’ said Elisabeth. ‘Malin, please ask the Professor if we can borrow the special cloak that he brought with him. It is very thin and I hope that we could get it between those bars. It is also very light and I would imagine that several seagulls could carry it together quite easily.’

‘Cloak? Carried by the Gullnet? Pushed through the bars?’ spluttered Malin ‘Need it to keep you warm, do you?’

‘It’s invisible.’ said Tom.

‘Best not drop it then.’ said Tantamount. ‘Never find it again. Perhaps they did have some mushrooms.’

‘Please, Malin,’ said Elisabeth. ‘Just ask the Professor, and tell him that if we do get away we will come to the water mill.’

‘Very well. I’ll tell him what you’ve told me. But perhaps you ought to have a lie down now. One of us will come and see you later – why not draw a nice picture of the parrot? Take slow, deep breaths if you feel a bit funny. They say that breathing in and out of a paper bag can help…’ He turned to Tantamount. ‘Pleased to make your aquaintance, comrade. You’ll keep an eye on them for us, won’t you?’

‘ “It is my opinion that this meeting is drunk” ‘ said Tantamount. ‘Yes, I will tend them as my own flock.’

* * *

Within half an hour an unusual flight of seagulls were heading towards Goldcaster. Flight Lieutenant Rockall was leading and they were flying in a tight square formation as though tied together. It was not a happy flight.

‘Can’t you fly in a straight line Malin?’

‘I can’t help it – I’m more your soarer, me – roaming around, having a butchers here, keeping an eye open there, on the old nose for the nosh. “I’m the type of gull, that likes to roam around, wherever takes my fancy, that’s where I’ll be found… ‘cos I’m a wanderer, yes, I’m a wanderer… I’m around around around around…” I haven’t done this sort of thing before.’

‘We’ve none of us done this sort of thing before.’

‘Not going to do it again, neither.’

‘Why do you keep doing that Biscay?’

‘Doing what?’

‘You know very well what – you lurch, we all lurch.’

‘And I’ve dropped me corner again.’

‘For heavens sake Portland – get a grip.’

‘I can’t. Me claws is cold.’

‘Well hold it in your beak then.’

‘I can’t see the corner.’

‘Of course you can’t see it – it’s an invisible cloak this way up – that’s the whole point. Just grope about until you find it. Not there! Ouch! It’ll be swept underneath now… and get your wing out of my ear…’

* * *

‘Excuse me, Mr Pirate…’ said Elisabeth sweetly through the pavement window.

‘Eh? What? Where are you?’

‘Down here. Behind these cruel bars. Locked away, dying from thirst. Well not actually dying, but my little brother has knocked over the water jug and we really are very thirsty. And the potty needs emptying because my poor little brother has also been, several times, (‘No I haven’t!’) (Yes, you have). Sir Jasper wouldn’t like to think that you refused to help us…’

‘Er, no, he wouldn’t I don’t suppose. But he’s got the key you see.’

‘I know. And of course he is terribly busy. But he does so appreciate initiative and enterprise. He has told me himself that he is on the look out all the time for bright members of the crew who might deserve promotion. I’m certain that if you went to him to borrow the key and suggested that you should attend to us assisted by as many of your strong, fierce, and formidable colleagues as you think necessary to make sure that a frightened child and a weak feeble woman do not escape, – I am absolutely sure that he would be very impressed indeed. ‘

‘You think so?’

‘Oh, I do. And I know I’m right about this. And how lucky we are that it was you – such a shrewd, handsome, and courageous person – who should be the one we called on for help.’

‘Oh, well, I don’t know about that. Still, my Nan says…’

‘I’m sure she does. Now I think we’d better have that potty emptied very soon – he looks as if he’s going to go again… (‘No I don’t!’) (Yes, you do.)’

 

Twenty minutes passed.

‘They’re not coming.’ said Tom.

‘They’ll come.’ said Elisabeth. ‘Sir Jasper wants to keep us as happy as possible – we’re more use to him that way, as bargaining tools. People will think he’s not quite so bad if we are alright. He will only harm us if he gets desperate. Look how well we’ve been treated so far – someone will come.’

Tantamount coughed. ‘I spy with my little eye, something beginning with “F” ‘ he squawked.

‘His foot is showing under the cloak.’ said Elisabeth. ‘Thank you, Tantamount. And I think his elbow is sticking through that torn bit. Don’t wriggle so much Tom.’

‘It’s not easy to keep still – huddled up with you under this table.’

‘Be quiet. I think someone is coming now.’

 

The key turned in the lock and the door slowly opened about an inch.

‘They’re only kids, you pillock.’

‘I don’t care. Them enemy. Enemy bashes you. Enemy out to get you. Don’t mind fair fight, but enemy hits you on nut with club when you not looking. Enemy make you go bonkers in the head.’

‘They certainly did with you. Alright, we’ll all go in together. Clarence, you empty the potty. Eustace, you fill their water jug, (steer clear of the parrot – he’s got a nasty nip, that varmint). I’ll keep an eye on them…’

‘Why is it me as has to empty the potty?’

‘Because Eustace would spill it.’

‘No I wouldn’t. I take pride in work. I take work home to show willing.’

‘You’re not taking that home, matey, we live in the same cabin.’

‘Er, don’t like to mention it….’

‘Mention what Clarence?’

‘Nice little lock up this, all mod cons, plenty to do. Fine view of pavement, rats passing through and that, plus parrot as cabaret, but…’

‘But what?’

‘Bit light on prisoners ain’t it?’

 

‘Wow!’ said Tom. ‘They all three shouted at once! I’ve never heard some of those words before.

‘Never mind that.’ said Elisabeth. ‘They’ll be back soon when they have finished rushing about in desperation looking for us. Well, goodbye, Tantamount. I’m so sorry we couldn’t break your chain, but we’ll tell everybody how helpful you have been. Look out – I think that they are coming back already. We’ll just have to hide under the cloak outside until they’ve gone.’

Three very worried pirates stood looking into the cellar.

‘Not outside…’

‘Not in here…’

‘No trace.’

‘Nothing.’

‘Nowhere… Nohow.’

‘Must have shrunk…’

‘Slipped under the door…’

‘Wriggled through the keyhole…’

‘S’gotta be that magic stuff.

Spud said they had a bookshop…’

‘BOOKS ?’

‘That’s it then, ain’t it?’

‘Stuck indoors all day – noses in books…’

‘Learning magic and suchlike…’

‘Never get away with it in my day.’

‘Not healthy.’

‘Ought to be out vandalising something like normal kids.’

‘I blame the parents.’

Long pause…

‘First lot of prisoners escaped. Now these two…’

‘Oh, Gawd…’

‘He’ll go apethingy…’

Longer pause…

‘Best not tell him.’

‘What?’

‘Hows about: “Here are the keys Captain, sir. No problems. No worries. All well and tidy. My word, they’re a sparky pair and no mistake – little one tried to scarper, but there was no way he could get past us, no chance, that’ll be the day… and they’re all still banged up nice and tight in the cellar.” ?’

Even longer pause…

‘Only way…’

‘If we want to wake up tomorrow.’

‘Blame enemy. Them enemy. Them gone. Their fault.’

‘Oh, Shut up Eustace…’

Author of Dangerous Chimes, read more about Michael Macauley over here.

Tom and Elisabeth imprisoned

By Thursday morning the water mill by the Rowan River was becoming rather crowded. The Summerdale Resistance Force now included Will Nudd and his apprentice from the forge who were already at work building up the makeshift armour around the cab of the traction engine. Also amongst those present were a number of the brawniest Goldcaster citizens fresh from their forest hideaways, and a modest cavalry troop mounted on the brewer’s Suffolk punches, two Percherons, some ponies, and a rather ancient cantankerous Clydesdale mare. Mrs. Tupman, the stew expert, had also joined them as housekeeper for the battered building and more importantly as cook.

Amongst all the shifts and contrivances to combat the enemy Doctor Johnson proposed a development of the seagull service.

‘Now, Fastnet, ‘said Doctor Johnson. ‘We must have someone reliable in charge of our communications. We must ensure that we know exactly what is happening to Tom and Elisabeth so that we can rescue them at the earliest possible opportunity. And of course we must be kept absolutely up to date with all the pirates’ plans, so we need eyes and ears as widely available and as efficiently run as possible. Communications control will be an essential part of any success.’

‘Communications control?’ queried Fastnet.

‘Exactly.’ said the Professor. ‘That is going to be your responsibility.’

‘What? No fighting? Leaving me out of the important work are you?’ protested Fastnet.

‘Certainly no fighting for you, I hope.’ said Doctor Johnson. ‘But as to leaving you out – quite the contrary. I rather think that without your contribution we could find ourselves in great difficulty.’

‘Ah…’ said Fastnet. somewhat mollified but puzzled. ‘But ‘communications’ means carrying messages, doesn’t it? I’ve been doing that already.’

‘No, no…’said Doctor Johnson. ‘We don’t want you just to carry the messages. We want you to organise the carrying.’

‘Oh.’ said Fastnet, very interested now and rather pleased. ‘Organise it, eh? Ummmm…’

Yes,’ said Doctor Johnson. ‘And to give instructions to the gulls and to ensure that everybody knows what is happening, and to decide who to contact if emergencies arise, and so on.’

‘Give instructions?’

‘Oh, yes.’

‘And make decisions?’

‘Certainly.’

‘Well, I’m your gull sir, I’m your gull.’

‘I knew that we could rely on you. You have already shown great initiative on everyone’s behalf.’ said Doctor Johnson, beaming at Fastnet. ‘We’ll try and give you a bit of a rest today. You can stay here with us at our headquarters while we establish the system.’

‘Perhaps Rockall could tell the other gulls what is happening and make certain that they understand that you are in charge?’ suggested Professor Paragon.

‘Well, yes, that would be helpful.’ said Fastnet.

‘We would like the gulls to fly to and fro between the mill and Goldcaster.’ said Doctor Johnson. ‘Also we need them to keep watch on any pirates who go into Summerdale and to report their movements to you so that we can take appropriate action.’

‘Right Doctor J.’ said Fastnet briskly. ‘Wilco, as we professional flyers say’

‘And I think you should have a cousin or two here in reserve in case you need to make any tactical decisions.’ said Professor Paragon

‘Tactical decisions?’ mused Fastnet. ‘That would be, er…?’

‘Changes resultant upon some crisis or other for which we had not planned – if something unforeseen occurred. It’s always best to be prepared for the unexpected.’

‘Like if the pirates went towards the wood and we had to let the people there know?’

‘That the sort of thing.’

‘Or if they went up the valley and then split up and went different ways coming back?’

‘Ah, yes, that could happen.’

‘Or if there was an earthquake or the river burst its banks or there was a raging forest fire…?’

‘Well, yes,’ smiled Doctor Johnson. ‘Any little matter like that which several different parties would need to know about as soon as possible.’

‘Oh, leave it to me your worship,’ said Fastnet proudly. ‘I’ll look after your tacticals. With old Rockall to help me you can rely on your Communication Headquarters. We’ll have a seagull system – ‘The Gullnet’ we’ll call it. I’ll keep a thingy – branch.’

‘Branch?’

‘Record of everything that happens – all the messages and that.’

‘Oh, a log you mean.’

‘That’s the kiddy. And you needn’t worry – it’ll all be in gullish. No pirate would understand even if they came back here and captured it. And we will have an eye on each and everyone involved – nothing will escape us and you will be informed of everything. Oh, yes, the Mill House Operations Room will be run like a well oiled wotsit, I can promise you.’

‘Admirable, admirable.’ said the Professor. ‘In the short time that we have been acquainted it has become apparent to me that in addition to your undoubted courage, you have an instinctive grasp of priorities and a fine, fast mind, my dear Fastnet.’

‘Well, thank you, Professor.’ said Fastnet, glowing visibly. ‘But you’ve got to be fast if you fancy a fish, unless you’re content to survive on half rotten rubbish.’

Professor Professor smiled. ‘Of course you’re right.’ he said ‘But you have an enquiring mind, not just a surviving one. When this is all over perhaps you could come and stay with me for a while? Barney and Umbrage and I would be delighted to have you and I would value your views on certain research that I am conducting about animal relationships. You need not worry about my cats – I would ensure that they treated you with respect as a colleague. Ah, here is Mr Nudd. How are we getting on with boxing up Berengaria?’

***

While the Doctor Johnson and Fastnet were organising their communications network Tom and Elisabeth were being rowed across the harbour with Sir Jasper. Tom had successfully pleaded for Tantamount not to be left behind and so the parrot was with them as well.

‘I shall take you ashore.’ Jasper had said, whilst they were having breakfast. ‘It will be a most educational and a unique opportunity for you to learn the techniques of leadership and modern management. Also, quite frankly, it is far better for everybody for you to be with me. Anybody concerned about you who might just be spying in the vicinity will see that you are well and so can reassure your parents.

There is another factor, of course. The prospect of any harm coming to you will reduce any resistance to the minimum. I can’t help but feel that things are far too quiet. People may have fled the town but those who fought cannot surely be idle? Somewhere someone could, heaven forfend, be even considering opposing me? Seeking help? Perhaps making plans?… You wouldn’t know anything about something like that, would you? It would be best to tell me if you did in order to prevent unnecessary tears, bloodshed, even. No? Oh, well, I didn’t expect you to tell me even if you do know something. You seem to be a fine, brave pair of young people – of course, perhaps not totally tested as yet. Normally, of course, we can apply, how shall I put it – physical pressure – to extract the truth, but I really do try and confine that sort of thing to those of more mature years.’

Tom had been rather worried by all this but after they had said goodbye to Spud and thanked him for his hospitality, and whilst they were being put aboard the rowing boat Elisabeth managed to whisper to him ‘Look on the bright side. Sir Jasper is taking us back to the town, nearer the others, and I expect all sorts of things are being done to help. And we are no longer on parole. We only promised Spud we wouldn’t escape from him…’

Once ashore, and with the black pirates Tembo and Twiga as their personal guards they followed Jasper to the Town Hall.

‘The key to successful employee effectiveness is motivation.’ he said as they went up the steps.

‘This can take various forms, some pleasant, some less so, but I always advocate the prospect of the tasty carrot before the flourishing of the threatening stick. Ah, here we are.’

In the Council Chamber two dozen of the crew were waiting, some with bandages or bruises, one even leaning on a makeshift crutch, and all looking decidedly apprehensive.

‘Now my brave lads,’ said Jasper, clapping his hands together, ‘Let us put the problems of the past few days behind us, and today go forward together and secure our prosperous future and well earned rewards. I know that things have been a little difficult… (Grunts and groans and vehement nodding of heads) …but I am reliably informed that we have all the tools and resources we need, and by process of painful experiment… (‘Not ‘alf…’ ‘Too bloody right.’) …we have determined the best method of tackling the tasks. We are going to get the final great bell down, we are going to truss it and bind it and bring it to the forge, and we are going to carefully, professionally, inch by inch and sliver by sliver, melt off the gold from all the bells, cast it into ingots, and stow it all aboard. And when that is done, from my own treasure chest, as upon occasion I have before, I shall reward all involved with an extra gold doubloon each, in addition, not as an advance on, the share due to all.’

The atmosphere in the Chamber became noticeably more enthusiastic.

‘Well that’s more like it…’

‘Fair enough – let’s get stuck in…’

‘Where did I put those leather gauntlets?’

‘I think I saw a welding mask somewhere…’

‘Permission to speak Cap’n?’

‘Certainly, Able Seaman Trunnion’

‘I think we’d take it kindly if you was to come up the church with us, just to see we get it right and start us off.’

‘But Mr Speke is in charge of operations. You know I don’t interfere when I delegate, unless things go wrong.’

‘Of course not Cap’n. But you might feel able to congratulate him on the thoroughness of ‘is doings, and thus put him in a favourable cast of mind towards us lot, if you take my meaning?’

‘Yesss…’ pondered Jasper. ‘Yes, I take your point.’ He smiled. ‘And I expect you would also like me to see for myself that all possible measures are properly in place, and that all conceivable precautions have been taken so that if anything should go amiss again I will not unfairly put the blame on you?’

‘Er, well, that had crossed our minds, certainly Cap’n.’

‘Very well. I will accompany you. Clarence, be so good as to saddle up my horse while I just file my charming captives away for the moment.’ He turned to Elisabeth. ‘I’m sorry about this Miss Trundle, but one must be fair, and I shall not be long gone, an hour, perhaps two at the most I expect.’

He took them down to a rather drier cellar than the one in which Rowley and his companions had been confined before.

‘I do apologise that I have to lock you up my dears, but I must supervise the business of those dratted bells. But never mind, tomorrow you will accompany me up into the valley on a major expedition. My men who captured you yesterday were only on a minor mission, testing the water, so to speak, probing here, prying there, seeing what resistance we might encounter. I have to say that it appears there is none to speak of.’

‘Are you just going to lock us up in this ghastly dungeon for hours on end?’ asked Elisabeth angrily.

‘Please, Miss Trundle, do be reasonable. It is not a dungeon – it is a perfectly dry and spacious cellar. You shall have something to eat and drink, paper, pencils, anything useful from the offices above, crayons if they have any, my own dice!… I’ll even leave Tantamount with you to keep you entertained. And I shall return to see you as soon as possible. This time I shall hold on to the key myself. I really do think that I have thought of everything.’

‘I want to go to the lavatory.’ said Tom.

‘Oh dear.’ sighed Jasper. ‘One sometimes wonders if it’s all worth the effort. Come with me then – there’s one along this corridor.’ and he took Tom by the hand, leaving Elisabeth locked in up on her own.

‘What happens if we need to go before you come back?’ she demanded when they returned.

‘I’ll see you have a screen and a potty!’ snapped Jasper.

True to his word, he left them as comfortable as possible with adequate furniture, cushions, food, water, things to keep them occupied, and Tantamount chained to a chair back.

Tom looked up at the small window set at street level. They could stand on the table to open it, but the gaps between the bars were too small even for Tom to squeeze through.

‘We can never escape from here.’ said Tom sadly.

 ‘Man is born free and everywhere he is in chains’ said Tantamount. ‘Tantamount shackled – again. I’ll have him….’

‘We can’t even tell anyone where we are.’ sighed Elisabeth. But she was wrong.

Author of Dangerous Chimes, read more about Michael Macauley over here.

Sir Jasper meets his captives

Tap, tap… Tap, tap, TAP

Elisabeth woke, rubbing her eyes. Where was she? Who was she? Why was she? Oh, yes… This is where she was… locked up, at sea (well almost), at the mercy of foul and evil pirates. No Mummy, no Daddy, far from home, horribly held hostage, really enjoying a bit of excitement at last.

Tapa, tapa, tapa, TAP TAP TAP! Something was knocking at the tiny window – it was Fastnet.

She managed to undo the porthole glass and let him in.

‘Can’t stop long. It’s all go with the Doc and the Prof. His magic may be a bit adrift at present, but everyone’s scurrying about, no bother. Are you both alright?’

‘Oh yes. Our pirate is really very friendly. But what is happening?’

Fastnet told her about the plans and the concern about the problem of rescuing them while they were on board the Black Leopard.

Just then they heard the key turning in the lock and Fastnet flew off as Spud came into the cabin.

‘Er, hello, me dearies,’ said Spud nervously. ‘Now don’t be fright, but there’s someone special here to see you…’

He stepped aside, and there in the doorway stood the pirate Captain – black and gold tricorne hat with purple feathers, immaculate white silk cravat, red hair hanging in ringlets to his shoulders, rich crimson damask waistcoat embroidered with silver thread, three-quarter length flared burgundy frock coat, lace cuffs showing well, dark green breeches gathered below the knee with crimson ribbons, highly polished shoes with huge gold buckles, sword slung at his side, a brace of beautifully engraved pistols hanging from the silk sash across his chest – the whole bit, and with the parrot on his wrist.

‘Cor!’ said Tom.

‘Good morning.’ said Elisabeth.

Jasper removed his hat and bowed very low to them.

‘Allow me to introduce myself – Jasper de Quincey Scabbard, Knight Baronet, at your service… (If you believe that you’ll believe anything.) I see that you are impressed by the schmutter, young man – just a few old things from the bottom of the wardrobe – one has to keep up appearances when one has guests. I understand that I have the honour to make the acquaintance of Miss and Master Trundle?’

‘How do you do?’ said Elisabeth coldly.

Tom just gulped, and held on tightly to Elisabeth’s hand.

‘Well here we are together, all aboard and nice and cosy. What do you know about ships young man?’

‘Er, well sir, I know that the pointy bit is the at the front and that the wind makes them go.’

Jasper nodded. ‘Yesss…’ he said. ‘I suppose that sums it up pretty well.’ He carefully perched the parrot on a chair back.

‘There, I think. Comfortable enough, Sir Tantamount? Mind your claws on the woodwork – that chair will be a valuable antique some day.’ He then turned to his captives. ‘I believe that you have met my feathered companion?’

‘ “The apparel oft proclaims the man.” “Now is the winter of our discontent made glorious summer by this sun of York.” Pardon?’ said the parrot.

‘He does rather show of in company I’m afraid.’ smiled Jasper. ‘But he is the only really intelligent and educated friend I have, hedged about as I am by illiterate minions. I acquired him by conquest from the Governor of Bermuda.’

‘Yes, we have met Tantamount.’ said Elisabeth. ‘May I ask how you know our name?’

‘Knowledge is the key to power, dear lady. One has to keep one’s database up to date, and before I consider laying waste to any newly conquered territory I examine whatever records there may be at the seat of government, in your case, the Town Hall – ‘Frodo his Farm, in King Edward’s time assessed at one hide and land for two ploughs, now held by Trun of the dell under my lord Buckram’, and so on. I expect you knew that you were in the Doomsday book? You did? I rather thought you might.’

‘Now, let us be clear about the situation in which you find yourselves. As long as all goes according to plan I, and my dear, gentle, band of buccaneers will take good care of you, so please be at your ease. However, I do assure you both that I am totally evil, completely ruthless, extremely efficient, and utterly without any decent feelings at all. Tadmartin, isn’t it time that these young people had one of your excellent breakfasts?’ ‘Preparing it already Cap’n.’ called Spud from his galley.

‘I have already eaten, so forgive me if I don’t join you. I have a special diet – I’m terribly prone to indigestion – the stress, you see. No one knows what I have to put up with. I don’t suppose that either of you are very familiar with my profession?’

‘I have read The Lives of the Most Notorious Pyrates.’ said Elisabeth. ‘Our Uncle Rowley has a copy in his bookshop, or did, providing it hasn’t been stolen by certain people.’

‘Really? The 1724 edition I expect – They were all very brutish and disorganised then. There is a more current version in which I feature – all lies of course, but the media these days – they will print anything.’

‘I thought that the pirates were remarkably organised.’ said Elisabeth. ‘Seeing their occupation as ‘going on the account’, having councils and votes for leadership and mock trials – I was most surprised.’

‘That was then – this is now, young lady.’ snapped Jasper

‘And did I not read somewhere that you were described as ‘The Gentleman Buccaneer’ renowned for the courteous care of his captives?’

‘Don’t believe everything you read Miss Trundle. I must say, you appear remarkably sanguine in your situation.’

‘If you are a bully sir, I shall stand up to you and care for my brother as best I can. If, on the other hand, you are an enemy with vestiges of honour left, I shall accommodate myself to this adventure with what dignity I can muster, and with rather less terror.’ ‘Good heavens!’ said Jasper. ‘What a spirited wench. It is a pleasure to make your acquaintance my dear. Your parents must be very proud of you.’

‘They will certainly be worried.’

‘Yes… Well of course they will. That can’t be helped. If all goes well you will be re-united in a day or two. If only we could get a message to them. I suppose you don’t know where they are? With others perhaps? Where might that be?’

Elisabeth smiled at him and shook her head. ‘Oh, Sir Jasper, really…’

He smiled back at her. ‘Never mind, it was worth a try. ‘Now then, my dears, we must get on. Let me take you into my confidence…’

Author of Dangerous Chimes, read more about Michael Macauley over here.